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Hell’s Kitchen – Episode 5 (“Day 5”)

Posted by g3tech on July 8, 2007

Gordon Ramsay’s Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 21

Best Ramsay Insult of the Night: “You’re standing there acting like a jumped-up little cavewoman!”

Best Example of Ramsay Just Being Awesome: “I can’t stop the CHURCH!”

Best Contestant Quotes about Melissa:

“If Melissa were on my team, a very dark side of me would come out.” —Rock

“That bitch is crazy — I showed her exactly how to make this simple-ass, dumb-ass dish.” —Rock

“And she’s not going to stop talking, and I may have to strangle her with some chiffon.” —Bonnie

Just when I thought this show couldn’t get any more fantabulously horrible, we get this Melissa-packed, hate-filled night.

Back in their rooms after the previous nights’ service, Rock tries to tell Josh why he nominated him to go home but Josh just disagrees with him. It’s fairly amicable. On the other hand, Bonnie whines to her girls how no one patted her on the back or supported her after service. I’m not quite sure what her deal is here because if you all recall, Ramsay singled her out as the worst of her team, so just what back-patting does she think she’s due? Melissa reminds her it’s a “fucking competition” and then tells us that Bonnie is a “failure waiting to happen.” After asking for back pats, Bonnie wonders aloud to her team if she even deserves to be there. Make up your mind, donkey! Meanwhile, Melissa strokes her Amber Waves of Annoying. If I were her, I’d spend more time spackling that acne volcano on her chin than fussing with her hair. Seriously, we were starting to wonder if it was a sudden wart.

Next morning on location at Bristol Farms, Chef Ramsay informs the teams that they will be cooking for a “weddin'” reception. Why would you ever choose to have your reception at a place that has “hell” in the name? Imagine the invitations. Man, I hope they aren’t Catholic. Each team will have to create one appetizer, one fish entrée, and one meat entrée. They have $100 and thirty minutes to spend and shop. Hmm, this looks oh so very familiar. Melissa decides to “take the lead” or, as we like to call it, get bossier than God, and pushes her team to do a duck entrée. Melissa tells us she took the lead because her team has needed that from her time and time again. When the teams check out — to the sounds of a “O, Fortuna”-esque chorus — the girls are just under their budget and the boys are over by nearly $40. After some argument, the boys finally figure it all out.

Back in the kitchen, the Blue Team rocks it, so we’re just going to leave them alone for the duration. However, the Red Team seriously loses it and it’s entirely Melissa’s freaking fault. She starts off by calmly instructing, “If anyone has a question, just ask me because that’s what Chef has been doing.” Julia’s deadpan reaction makes me love her even more, “Oh, yeah — that’s been helping us.” Julia asks Bonnie a question about cooking the duck, and even though Bonnie totally answers her correctly, Melissa SHOVES her aside and tells Julia, “Ask me if you have any questions.” Bonnie has stomped off but Julia asks, “What is your problem, Melissa?” “You’re supposed to ask me, not Bonnie,” Melissa informs her. Yep. This is ONLY the beginning. So, later on, Julia had taken the duck out of the oven to keep it from burning. What does Melissa do? She puts it back IN the oven and blathers, “All the food has to be hot okay? I’m assuming that you all had a little bit of knowledge of how to cook, otherwise you shouldn’t be here.” In the back, Rock is whispering, “Argue! Argue! Hell’s Bitches! Hell’s Bitches! Yes!” He rocks my television world. Okay, now Melissa has discovered that the duck is overdone and tells Julia that. “I know, you made it overdone,” Julia tells her. “I didn’t make it overdone — your job, your station,” Melissa has the gall to tell her. Julia tells her not to even try it.

Both teams plate up their final results, and the Red Team has to tell Chef Ramsay about not using their time wisely and arguing and all that kind of good shit. Melissa, again camera-ready with her freaking unhygienic hair once again cascading around her shoulders, complains, “I can’t do everything at once.” Calling her “madam,” Ramsay tells her he didn’t put her in charge, so she needs to shut up. Then, Ramsay throws them a “curve.” The bride and groom — Carlota and Cyrus –will be tasting the food and deciding the winners. The happy couple comes out and while the teams stand there silently, Ramsay turns, bares his teeth angrily and gives the contestants this absolutely filthy look like, “just you wait until I get my hands on you!” and starts clapping, gesturing fiercely at them to follow suit. It was one of the best expressions I’ve seen on television in a long, long time. As the bride and groom prepare to sample their food, Melissa raises her hand and says she doesn’t think they should serve their food. Ramsay shuts her up and beckons the teams to present their appetizers.

Between the crab salad with thyme-grapefruit aioli (Blue Team) and the puff pastry-wrapped brie served on a pile of pureed strawberries (Red Team), the bride and groom rule for the boys. The groom decided the brie dish was too much like dessert. Next comes the fish course and the bride and groom far prefer the sea bass with bacon-cured collard greens (Red Team) over the herb-crusted sea bass with vegetable broth and butter-foam sauce (Blue Team). Not being Marcelites, the happy couple finds the foam sauce “a little bit strange.” The meat entrée decides the winner, and Rock is feeling that it’s all on him. He needn’t have worried. Jen moves to present their duck breast, and Melissa is muttering to her, “Don’t — don’t. Tell him.” Ramsay has to shut her up again and orders them to bring their food. Jen lifts their dome to show…a duck breast. That’s all. Nothing else. No sides, no sauce, no garnish — nothing. And the duck breast looks all dried and very much like a piece of crusty bread. It’s hysterical. Ramsay grabs his eyes and rubs them hard. He asks Jen to describe the dish. “That’s a duck breast,” Jen says. Ramsay shakes his head and tells everyone how embarrassed he is. Rock gets to explain his dish of a dry-aged pan-seared rib eye with wild mushroom cream sauce. Don’t hold back, Rock — there’s even some crispy potatoes and what look like steamed Brussels sprouts and bacon. It’s a feast! After the groom comments, “Oh, wow — this is really tough,” Ramsay whisks it away from him and says, “No one’s eating that.” The Blue Team finally wins something and their reward is spend a day of luxury at a spa.

Back in their apartment, Julia, Jen, and Bonnie bitch about Melissa’s bossiness and how she ruined the duck breast. Joining them, Melissa refuses to take responsibility for anything and even tells Julia that the next time Melissa gets bossy with her, Julia should grow a set of balls. Seriously. She said that. To Julia. AFTER she railroaded her and lost them the challenge! While the boys get acupuncture, massage, and some other sort of body manipulation for Brad, the Red Team’s punishment is to get knee-deep in tulle and flowers and help the wedding planner decorate the restaurant for the reception. I’m certain he’s gotta be an actor — he’s playing the fey gay wedding planner way too much to not be a character. When the girls are left on their own to follow the wedding planner’s directions, Melissa immediately starts haranguing the girls EVERY FIVE SECONDS about whether or not they need her help on individual tasks. Her querulous, nasal, SHRILL, fish-wifey voice does not stop yammering the entire time, and the rest of the Red Team has clearly had it. They make faces, pretend to strangle themselves or shoot themselves in the head, and just generally try very hard to ignore her. At one point, Melissa even wants to make sure each of the net tulle gift bag thingies has exactly the same color proportions of mints in them. Like they all have to have five pink, four yellow, four white, and so on. She’s a freak. The girls refuse to do it. “I’m not. Doing. It,” Julia says between gritted teeth.

The next day is the wedding reception, and we learn that the guests will have a choice of items from the regular menu (cue Wellington disasters, stage right) as well as the winning items from the tasting. Right away, Melissa starts annoying Rock with questions about how to do the potatoes. Later on, Ramsay discovers a skillet of Melissa’s potatoes and they have gone black and nasty. Melissa babbles that she did it exactly how Rock told her to do it and he “kept switching recipes.” You know what, Melignant? I’m assuming Rock didn’t tell you to put the potatoes in cold water to keep them from oxidizing themselves to gangrenous proportions because he figured that with ALL the years of experience you keep running off at the mouth about would KNOW something as BASIC as THAT! But no, she still hasn’t learned because she ruins another batch of potatoes. Ramsay yells his favorite insult, “You’ll poison someone!”

With the entire wedding party seated, Jean-Paul takes the bridal couple’s order first and the pressure is on to get them served while all their guests wait. For the Blue Team, the baby poo risotto proves cumbersome once again, but we get to hear Sous Chef Scott’s absurdly gravelly voice grind, “Dat risotto’s not ready.” Seriously, he’s got some twelve-pack-a-day, aged-in-wood, single-malt vocal chords down there. We need to hear more from them. The bride and groom finally get served and the teams move on to deal with the rest of the guests. And because there’s always a time when someone has to wait a ridiculous amount of time for their food, we have the wedding planner coming up to bug Jean-Philippe that the bride’s parents have not been served. JP tells the wedding planner to go bug Ramsay about it. He even ENCOURAGES him to tell Ramsay that he’s the wedding planner. He’s so feeding that guy to the wolves and you can almost see him smile as he turns away. JP, you’re so evil. He tells the cameras, “I don’t really want to be told by anybody what to do.” Now, what is singular about that is the “do.” It’s so unquestionably British-inflected that I’m starting to doubt the veracity of JP’s frog legs. Meanwhile, Ramsay is having none of the wedding planner and bellows at him to get out of the fucking way. “Okay, I think that went well,” the wedding planner says to himself. Hee. I don’t believe any of this but it’s still so damn entertaining.

Melissa slows up her team, and after Ramsay goes off on her saying, “You’ve turned into a right little bitch — WAKE UP!” he appoints Jen as the Red Team’s leader. Josh tries to send cold sauce with the fish, but Ramsay shouts it back. And as if Melissa hasn’t already screwed up enough, she discovers that the water-bathed zabaglione has fallen into the water and is now ruined. Running to the next team, Melissa tries to beg some of their sauce but Brad tells her he needs all of it. Ramsay finds her in the Blue kitchen and screams her out, saying, “Piss off with you, you little sabotage!” He makes her whip up a brand new zabaglione. All the guests are finally served and Ramsay presents the happy couple with a totally unnecessary Green Valley Ranch commercial in the form of a honeymoon suite.

Ramsay decides the Red Team totally bit it and tells Jen to choose her sacrificial lambs, although, if she picks Melissa, it’s more like mutton. Jen struggles over her decision but finally sends up Melissa and Bonnie. I have to say that although Melissa screwed up all over the place and is CLEARLY the most incredibly obnoxious contestant this year, I was going to miss all the drama if she was sent home. Therefore, I was thrilled when Ramsay asks for Melissa’s coat — Jen is heard to whisper, “Oh, thank god.” — and then says, “You, Madam, are going to the men’s team.” He gives her a blue coat and tells her to shape up. Turning to Bonnie — and if you didn’t see this coming, you haven’t watched the last two seasons — he sends her back to her team. No one is going home tonight. Ramsay’s reasoning for this move is that Melissa has shown herself to be such a good chef, he has to give her one more chance. Poor Rock. He’s going to absolutely lose it. I can’t wait.


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