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Big Brother 8 – Episode 5 (” ‘I’ Candy “)

Posted by g3tech on July 16, 2007

Previously on Eenie Meenie Miney Go: Carol got booted by a vote of Practically Everybody to Practically Nobody, and just about everyone voting wishes they had the option of voting out Jen instead. Among other things, Jen had actually cried over the picture of her on the wall, and when you’ve thrown maybe the stupidest hissyfit in the history of this particular show, it’s time to step onto an ice floe, because come on. Rather poetically, and arguably as a direct result of being totally unable to answer a question the way it would normally be answered and thus inadvertently giving a trick answer to a trick question, Jen became HoH. Imagine how we’d all feel right now if the presidency went to a nationwide lottery and Dick Cheney took it home. It was like that, kind of. Meanwhile, Eric was still America’s Player, and not in the P. Diddy kind of way, either. I sort of wish the credits were just an endless scroll of that picture of Jen that she hates. Maybe with the “peanut butter jelly time” song.

Jessica talks about how sad it was to see Carol go, at which point Miss Alli’s Sister wonders aloud, “Is that her real voice?” The news that it is her real voice is greeted with sadness. The rest of the houseguests all discuss how they’re sad about Carol leaving. Or “sad,” I guess, in that they don’t really care, but they didn’t bear her much ill will, except for Jessica, who thinks she’s scored a victory of some kind. Amber thinks that God put her on the chopping block. (God: “Oh my Me, like I care.”) Evil Dick trusts Amber, so he’s glad she wasn’t booted. He does his best to keep his adoration of Amber from appearing skeevy. He is not entirely successful. We do learn that Jen was the one vote that Carol managed to get, which is nicely in tune with the running theme that Jen is entirely out of sync with the rest of the house that you half-expect to see her wearing her shoes on her hands and a scrunchie around her ankles. When Jen confesses her vote to Amber, Amber tries to be generous, which she kind of can afford to do, since she got the other ten votes in her favor.

Joe is wearing just a tie — I’m saying just a tie and no shirt — as he agrees in the DR with everyone else about the fact that having Jen be HoH was not a good development for anyone. Someone needs to tell Joe that you have to have a certain sort of chest to intentionally draw attention to it with a shirtless tie, and Joe does not have that certain sort of chest. Joe needs to be working toward “attractively wiry,” and he needs to stop thinking he looks like a male model. Anyway, Kail was apparently really happy about Jen’s HoH-ness, probably because she thinks she’s the only person who has any kind of positive connection to Jen, which just may be true. Joe and his naked tie diss Jen’s victory by saying, “I am sick of people being rewarded for stupidity in this country.” On the one hand, I feel him, but on the other hand, it’s kind of like going on Wheel Of Fortune and complaining about the fact that everyone cares so much about vowels. Don’t choose a country for your vacation and then complain about the currency. Evil Dick is wearing a Cathouse shirt as he assures us that he thinks he’s going to do okay with Jen. I wonder if that’s Cathouse the show (which I have of course never seen), or just a general salute to the brothel industry. Daniele thinks she’ll be nominated for the sin of being Nick’s favorite girl. Haters are jus’ jellus! Woooo! Katharine McPhee 4-EVA! Daniele claims that she doesn’t like “catty girl games,” but she knows that Jen does. Amber, for her part, is still worried about taking a second consecutive trip to the block. Evil Dick does a kind of an Evil Doctor Will thing as he insists that it would be stupid for Jen not to nominate him, on account of he’s so awesome. You are no Will, Dick.

In tonight’s most wonderful segment by a very long longshot, a winking segment about Jen’s tendency to discuss herself includes a bell-dinging drinking game played by Mike, Zach, and Dustin every time Jen uses the word says “I.” That’s going to be a lot of drinking. They actually do this right in front of her, which is pretty cool and pretty funny, even though it’s the kind of thing you hope never happens to you, and it would be mean if directed at someone who was not begging for it with a series of self-saluting novelty tank tops OH MY GOD. The boys quickly realize that they’re all going to wind up passed out drunk if they keep drawing Jen into conversation and drinking at every “I.” As has always been the case with this show, it’s never better than when it’s slyly knowing about its players, and this segment was a great example. It also casts the boys involved in a very positive light, and it begins to reveal a core of non-suck that surrounds these particular guys. Before you know it, you may find yourself liking them, which will cause you to be invested, which will mean you are lost forever.

I must not have been paying enough attention to previous shots of the HoH room, because I wasn’t really thinking consciously about the prison-cell décor, which is slightly surprising, since this is supposed to be the room where you feel awesome about yourself. Jen once again goes into one of her picture-induced fits when she decides that there aren’t enough recent pictures and there aren’t enough good pictures. She actually is sitting around the room, surrounded by pictures of family and friends, and all she can do is complain. The one upside of this, really, is that she is such a moron that she’s having a sort of salutary effect on the rest of the house, in that at least they all have something to talk about that they agree on. I’ve seen quite a bit of this show, and I’ve seen individual cliques attack people, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a house converge in hatred upon one person with such consistency across the board. Jameka, for her part, can’t believe that Jen is whining about the picture of Jen and her mom, just because Jen thinks she doesn’t look good in it. I can’t wait until she has kids and is like, “I hate this picture of my baby’s first steps, because you can see my leg in the background, and those are not my favorite shoes. At all. I’m just really upset.”

Joe tries to maneuver to get Dustin put up. He really has no argument, though, and is stuck making a lame appeal to the “original eleven” thing, which makes no sense, since there’s no way she’s going to care about that. If she could find someone who didn’t hate her, she wouldn’t care if they were just shipped in here in a crate after being dug up in the Canadian Rockies. She knows everyone hates her, so she’s not going to act in solidarity with them. Jen tells us that she doesn’t trust Joe anyway.

A long segment on Nick and Mike’s weightlifting is once again surprisingly funny, thanks to commentary from Dustin and Zach. It’s very weird seeing people trying to be funny on purpose and actually being funny. I’m very much on the fence regarding Nick, who would need a smaller upper body in order for me to find him particularly attractive, but as I said, I think this is where you find the non-suck in this season.

Aaaaand showmance! Nick and Daniele are flirting, and the word “booger” is part of the deal, so that’s not particularly promising. Somebody forgot to give Nick the “don’t say ‘booger'” lesson. Nick teases Daniele repeatedly as they snuggle together that he’s going to give her something he’s hiding in his hand, and after an endless dance, it turns out to be something he calls “the key to [his] heart,” which is actually the key to his suitcase. Miss Alli’s Sister, totally on a roll, dubs the scene “Romance For People With IQs Under 50.” This assessment may be a little bit overly generous.

Kail tries to talk Jen into nominating Jessica. There’s not a lot of substance. It’s like watching blocks of cheese play checkers.

In the week’s first competition for food, all the women plus Joe go up against all the rest of the men. The game requires people to go head-to-head in a Name That Tune-style game in which you have to guess what two ingredients are in a pie. Losers eat slop. They will probably welcome it after some of these pies. Evil Dick vs. Jameka: Jameka gets a bacon and banana pie, which she successfully names. Amber inaccurate identifies pineapple and potato as lemon and potato. Eric gets sausage and apple, which he misses by calling it Spam and fig. Way to go, “America’s Player.” Jessica gets a hot dog and strawberry pie, which she calls Spam and pomegranate. Wrong! Zach gets pepperoni and mint — and he comes close with venison and mint. But not! Jessica gets carrot and cheese right. Evil gets sweet potato and licorice right. Amber can barely eat a salmon and blueberry pie, because it is enormously disgusting, but she correctly identifies it. Kail mistakes hamburger and peach for black bean and peach, so that’s wrong. It also upsettingly calls to mind Rachel’s famous English Trifle including the layer of Beef Sautéed With Peas And Onions. Nick correctly nails tuna and jelly beans. I realize that sound gross along multiple axes, and I apologize. Joe misses his next one, sending the blue team into the lead. Daniele is up for the girls/Joe team on the match point pie, and she guesses pickle and tofu, which is wrong. It was pickle and clams. That’s sort of sad that the pickle pie was so revolting that she couldn’t taste that it had fish in it. So the girls and Joe are on slop for the week. Daniele will now only get thinner. Dick is kind of sad for Daniele, but on the other hand, he’s undoubtedly happy to be eating. Blood is thicker than water, but it is not thicker than slop, after all.

Eric gets his information from the public, this time regarding who he should target for eviction. He doesn’t seem happy to see that we want him to target Jessica. I think he believes that we’re wasting his awesomeness. Eric sucks up to us for a while about how much he wants to do our bidding (I normally like that in a person), and he marches himself right up to the HoH room and starts to bend Jen’s ear about how he thinks Jessica is up to no good. He doesn’t come up with a particularly good ruse, in that he pretty much tells her, “I have no reason, but I just have this feeling you should nominate Jessica.” Unsurprisingly, Eric’s meritless arguments don’t even work on Jen. That’s sort of how you know they’re meritless.

Jen chats up Nick, who is incredibly noncommittal, and who tells her to do whatever she wants. “You’re a grown woman,” he says dismissively. He does not mean this. He should give her a key to his heart — I’ve heard that works pretty well. He’s probably got several. She essentially begs him to tell her he’s not with Daniele, and he doesn’t really want to say much. He insists that he has lots of buds, and she insists that it’s “hanging out” in the “HANGING OUT” sense. He insists in return that he’s not “having sexual intercourse” with Daniele, which is more explicit than I expected him to be. Jen tells him that she’s considering putting up the most “negative” people, and she says Nick is “negative” himself. She clearly expects him to beg her not to put him up, and she’s not really ready for the big “whatever” he unloads on her. I think Nick is pretty much of a meat sack so far, but I do like the fact that he has mastered the art of saying nothing and letting people drive themselves crazy instead of doing it for them.

Jen makes a big mistake when she walks in from a shower (it seems) and breaks up a perfectly nice rest session in one of the bedrooms, driving the men who are sleeping there from their beds, which seems to surprise her. That’s quite a room-clearing effect she’s got. Normally, that would require flatulence. She stays in the bedroom at first, and more talk in the kitchen follows about how self-involved Jen is, led this time by Evil Dick. Brimming with the affirmation of others, Evil Dick heads in to see Jen, telling her flat-out to stop being such a selfish bitch. He’s all plumped up with the agreement of the rest of the house, thinking he’s going to be everyone’s hero, but this is usually the kind of thing that does not pay off in the long term. You’ll notice that the Zach/Mike/Dustin group didn’t find it necessary to do any of this to Jen’s face, because they understand the fundamental unchangeability of a personality like that. Dick, on the other hand, goes for confrontation, ordering Jen to think of others and stop talking about herself, and he stalks off and leaves. Jen tries to look unconcerned, but she’s fooling no one, because nobody likes to be that person, no matter how cool they’re playing it.

Nominations approach, so of course, everyone is nervous. Nick sees himself as the target of various jealous bitches. Joe is both paranoid and obnoxious, so he knows he could be on the block. Jen teases her nominations by saying she knows the rest of the houseguests will be happy, which is funny, since the rest of the houseguests mostly just want Jen herself to be bounced. So all happiness will be relative. Jessica isn’t worried about being nominated.

Jen brings out the key box. Joe makes a pouty face as he awaits news. Jen says that she’s gone ahead with her plan to nominate people with negative energy. Joe really needs to stop wearing his ball cap sideways. Jameka’s key comes out first. Then Kail, Mike, Zach, Nick, Jessica, Amber, Dustin, Eric, and Joe. So that would leave Daniele and Evil Dick, father and daughter on the block together. Isn’t that cozy? Does Daniele really have that much negative energy? I mean, I get nominating Evil Dick, given the way that he’s acting, but I haven’t seen much from Daniele that would be considered “negative energy.” Unless Jen is blaming Daniele for being uncomfortable around her estranged dad, which would make Jen even more self-involved than we thought she was when the rest of the house was playing drinking games about how self-involved she was. Nick thinks Jen is just jealous of Daniele, because…well, you know. Eric apologizes for not getting Jessica nominated, which is pretty funny. We forgive you, Subservient Chicken.


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