G3 Tech

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Big Brother – Episode 6 (“Fear The Uni-Tard”)

Posted by g3tech on July 21, 2007

Okay, here’s the weird thing: Jen is totally self-involved, not very bright, and nobody likes her. And while that’s probably going to add up to her ouster very soon, it actually makes her a really strong and scary HoH. It’s all sorts of strange.

So previously, Jen was wildly jealous of Daniele being on the receiving end of Nick’s puppy-dog eyes and didn’t end up hiding it well, or at all. Kail tried to protect her alliance of straight dudes by encouraging Jen to nominate any homosexual who wasn’t nailed down. Dick was very upfront with Jen about how much he hated her, and was rewarded with a nomination for eviction for him and Daniele.

Blue-tinted flashback footage reminds us that Jen’s reasons for nominating D&D were so incredibly self-obsessed, I almost blocked them out of my mind. Way to bring the house down with your awkwardness over your two-year estrangement, assholes! Both Dick and Daniele take their nomination with the kind of tight-lipped “I’m fine” repetition that lets you know they’re really not fine at all. The not-finest of all, however, is Amber, who is full-on weeping in the diary room because she likes D&D so much. To Amber’s credit, however, she at least realizes she’s being ridiculous. Joe and Daniele separately shoot down Jen’s stupid “negative energy” rationale in their DR sessions. Daniele says the simple reason is that Jen is jealous that Daniele’s getting all of Nick’s attention. It’d sound ridiculous and conceited if it weren’t 100% true.

Speaking of the house fake couple, we’re treated to another bedside whisper session between Nick and Daniele. This looks suspiciously like the same conversation from which Nick’s “key to my heart” offer was culled on Sunday’s show. Here, Nick spills the beans about his alliance with Zach, Mike, and Kail. He wants Daniele to know she’s his primary alliance. Daniele, for her part, reveals her “shocking” “secret” that she’s a year younger than she told people. Miraculously, Nick’s eyeballs don’t melt right out of his head from that reveal. Then he starts to tell her he’s developing “feelings” for her after a week and a half, and it’s complete with the “I never expected to feel this way” clichés, and I desperately hope there’s at least some strategy to this, because otherwise Nick’s stepping right in it. Case in point: Zach and Mike’s hammock conversation, where instead of discussing how Zach looks like he could be Mike’s inbred country cousin, they’re bitching about Nick’s closeness with Daniele and how they hope he’s not being played by Daniele’s manipulative vagina. Women being the downfall of men and all. Zach ominously intones that Nick better be prepared to vote Daniele out. I wonder how widespread Zach’s influence in the house is. He certainly seems to think he’s running things.

America’s Player shenanigans. Eric was instructed to sleepwalk into someone’s bed. Really. America, being both mischievous, mean, and a smidge homophobic, has chosen Eric to try to snuggle up to Joe. So pretty clearly, Eric’s not sure how he’s going to be able to accomplish this task without looking like he’s a creepy night molester. Suffice it to say: he ends up looking like a creepy night molester. Through some combination of a) Eric’s unwillingness to snuggle up against a dude, b) that dude is Joe and thus repellant, c) there’s really no way to climb into someone’s bed and maintain the illusion of “sleepwalking,” and d) this whole enterprise is stupid, Eric ends up failing the mission. Which leads to awkward shower stall conversation the next morning (doesn’t it always?) where Joe asks Eric if he’s in the habit of sleepwalking and snuggling up at the end of people’s beds like a nipple-ringed kitten. Nice waste of an America’s Player mission, Big Brother.

Time to pick the players for the veto competition. Jen, Daniele, and Dick are already competing. Jen gets a “houseguest’s choice” and immediately chooses Mike, in case you didn’t realize that Jen is totally in that alliance’s pocket this week. Or is she?? Daniele pulls Joe’s name, and Dick pulls Amber. Which is going to be a problem. Much in the way that choosing breakfast cereals is likely a problem for Amber. She’s crying in the pantry with Dustin — and also in her DR session — because of all the pressure that’s now upon her. More pressure’s on the way as Jen barges into the pantry and very frankly tells Amber that if she wins the veto and uses it, or even works to prevent Jen or Mike from winning the veto, then Jen will put up Amber or Dustin for eviction. It’s the kind of balls-out, tactless gameplay that you can get away with when absolutely no one likes you, and it’s kind of fascinating to watch. Usually that kind of threat would be made in the most oblique and passive-aggressive way, and as hateful as she’s being, I have to respect Jen at least a little bit. Anyway, so this isn’t helping Amber’s fragile emotional situation in the slightest, and she falls apart on Dustin’s shoulder. Meanwhile, Jen is making the exact same threat to Joe in the room with the circular beds, though Joe has a better way of dealing with it: he tells Jen he has no allies in the house besides himself, so why wouldn’t he use the veto if he won it?

Amber goes to Nick, Daniele, and Jameka and tells them what Jen just told her, and Daniele gets pissed. She storms into the kitchen and yells at Jen for making Amber cry, essentially. From here on out it’s all a mishmash of passive-aggression and obnoxiousness, but here’s the gist: Jen’s a total bitch about everything; Daniele tells her to shut her smug face; Dick continues to rag in Jen in every way conceivable, even throwing a “fun nanny” jab in there (seriously, she cares for other people’s children — how scary!); Jen keeps saying “I love it!” like a bratty teenager would; Mike defends Jen, saying she was only being “directive” (mouth closed and back to the weights, sweetie); Joe tells Mike nobody was talking to him so he should butt out; Joe calls out Jen’s hypocrisy in making her nominations about “negative energy” and then swooping around the house like a mist of threats and nastiness; Zach makes an offhand comment about Amber being emotional, which acts like the Bat Signal because all of a sudden Jameka swoops in from two miles offscreen to defend Amber as being “empathetic” rather than “emotional.” And while I totally respect her standing up for her girl: overruled, Jameka. Zach then snottily tells Jameka that this is the first she’s ever spoken to him, which is true, but can you blame Jameka? Watching this show is all about making snap judgments about people based on very thin evidence, and my snap judgments are that I love Jameka and hate Zach, so: shut your cro-mag face, Zach. Joe chides Zach for being unpleasant (ha!). Jen goes to the pantry to apologize to Amber, but Dick follows her in there and rides her some more for being a bitch. I believe the phrase “nobody likes you, so why don’t you just leave?” gets used. Its childishness doesn’t really diminish its truthfulness.

Veto competition. The backyard is filled with fake snow for the annual Christmas In July-themed competition. Essentially, the game is a combination of curling and Yankee Swap (Yaaaaaaankee Swap!). You guys, I’m totally jealous. I have always wanted to give curling a try. Anyway, the players shoot a stone down the ice and the person furthest away from the target is eliminated and has to choose a present from under the fake Christmas tree. There are six presents, one of which is the veto. The next person eliminated then gets to either choose a new present or steal an already opened present. The upshot is that the last person standing via the curling competition will get to choose the veto unless they don’t want it. So here’s what we learn from this competition: both Dick and Daniele are very good at the curling part of the game. Joe is eliminated first and he opens a Slop Pass. Jen’s out next and she opens a red spandex unitard that she will have to wear all week. You will not be surprised to note that Jen is ecstatic about this development because, as Joe helpfully reminds us, Jen loves anything that makes people pay attention to Jen. Mike’s eliminated and gets a lame-o “Big Brother Date.” Mike totally makes a face, which I choose to interpret as dismay that there aren’t any girls worth taking on dates in this house. Either that, or Magnus wants to ask Kragnus but he’s afraid society will disapprove. Dick’s out next, and he wins a plasma TV that he totally doesn’t want. Dude, pass it down here, then. So it’s down to Daniele and Amber. Amber straight-up throws it and is rewarded with a pair of bondage cuffs. It sounds more exiting than it is. She has to choose one houseguest to be handcuffed to for 24 hours. And rather than choose her BFF Dustin, who’s sweet and pretty to look at, Amber chooses Kail, because “she’s a mom.” Okay, what the hell is this “she’s a mom” solidarity that Amber seems to feel is so prevalent in society? Anyway, Daniele wins the veto, which is good for her and bad for Jen. Which makes it good for me.

Jen debuts the unitard, which looks like the red catsuit Britney wore in the “Oops! I Did It Again” video, but more vulgar. Adding to the vulgarity is the fact that Jen isn’t wearing anything under it, so everyone in the house is suddenly subject to Jen’s complete gynecological profile. Joe DRs that Jen wasn’t upset at all that she had to wear the unitard. “Way to go, Big Brother,” he snots. “Your punishments blow!” Umm…word? Perhaps if someone photographs Jen in the unitard and frames it, that could work.

Amber and Kail’s “Chained Heat” segment is super boring and mostly features them having to negotiate the bathroom together. Oh, there is a cute “Red Rover” clip with Dustin that’s made funny by…well, Dustin. Amber does tell us that it gave her the chance to hang out with Kail’s friends in the house and vice versa, which certainly makes it seem like the house is divided into two camps and everyone knows it. Which is interesting. Kail, Mike, and Zach versus Amber, Daniele, Dustin, Jameka, Joe, and Dick, with Nick playing both sides and Eric and Jessica floating around God knows where? That about right?

Speaking of Eric, he sees Daniele’s veto win — and the looming need to find another nominee — as another chance to cash in on his America’s Player directive to get Jessica nominated. He cozies up to Jen in the hammock (the things we’ve made this poor boy do, I swear) and tries to push the Jessica agenda. But Jen? Is not having it. In the slightest. Every time he even mentions Jessica’s name, Jen shoots him down with an immediate “no.” Post-production adds a little buzzer sound just to reiterate how much Eric’s getting shut down here. See, if Eric was playing this one smarter, he’d be playing both sides of this and instigating an argument between Jessica and Jen. Then again, it is really hard to get stupid people to do what you want them to, especially when you’re using earth logic, so I can see where it would be like trying to play chess with helium balloons instead of chess pieces.

Zach and Nick conspire, with Zach obliquely accusing Nick of playing both sides, but Nick either being too dim to notice it or too savvy to respond to it. Much as I’ve grown to appreciate Nick, I’m betting against the latter. Zach pushes the idea of putting up Joe and voting him out, which Nick would be fine with. As would, I think, a lot of people. Zach once again really seems to think he’s pulling far more strings in the house than he actually is. Though this week, it seems, he’s pulling enough of them, as he bends Jen’s ear and plants the seed of nominating Joe. Not that it takes much, because Jen doesn’t like Joe anyway. Zach does get to use the phrase “golden opportunity to backdoor Joe,” which should make its way onto many a clip reel. But then here’s where Jen’s narcissism, self-obsession, and anti-social tendencies come into play: she tells Mike, Kail, and Amber (still handcuffed) that the fact that everyone in the house seems to want Joe put up makes her not want to do it. Because why not thumb your nose into the faces of the people who will control your fate next week?

Next, here’s what the editing would have us believe goes down: Jen leaves the HoH room, heads into the dwarf room where Nick and Daniele are busy shmooping to each other, stares them down for a moment without saying anything, returns to the HoH room, and states her desire to put up Nick instead. And, look, I realize the essential truth of the situation is the same: Jen would put up Nick for the same jealousy-based reasons she put up Daniele. But the way that segment was edited makes it look faker than it probably was. So for a second here, I start to admire Jen again, just for the fact that she’s so willing to cut the strings Zach’s group is holding on her and nominate Nick for the most petty reasons possible. Weirdly enough, she’s become the most dangerous player in the game (for this very short term that she has power) because she totally doesn’t care what you think. In the most literal sense of the phrase. You do not exist in Jen’s universe.

Of course, that’s all ruined by the time the veto ceremony comes around and Jen reveals she’s nominated Joe. Which is annoying as hell, not for the result (losing Joe is much preferable to losing Nick), but for the fact that the show’s efforts to build suspense and misdirection sacrificed a clear explanation for why Jen would go back to nominating Joe. I’m sure it’ll get explained on Thursday, but for now it’s really unsatisfying. And every step on the road to Joe’s eviction should be as satisfying as possible! See you Thursday!

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