G3 Tech

Gaming, Gadgets & Gizmos (And Music, Movies & TV)

  • Today’s Top Posts

Archive for the ‘Hell’s Kitchen’ Category

Hell’s Kitchen – Episode 11 (“Finale, Part 2”)

Posted by g3tech on August 14, 2007

Gordon Ramsay’s Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 9
Best Champion Quote of the Night: “It’s good to come home with quarter of a million dollars — HOLLA!” –Rock
Best Ramsay Quote of the Night: “You know what it’s like now? Standing on the fucking hotplate, where you’re getting fucked from behind?”

And it’s ROCK FOR THE WIN! Which means, of course, that Bonnie can reconsider being a teacher now. Now, I know I came down hard on Bonnie last week, but I will give her huge props for being an incredibly gracious and classy loser. Of course, the skeptic in me makes me wonder if she was as fine as she was with her loss because she just didn’t want the win That Bad. Meanwhile, this episode — like last week’s — really went on forever. Too much empty filler, not enough juicy swearing.

Bonnie and Rock led their chef teams back up to the loft to hold culinary powwows. While Bonnie opts for the slumber party approach of telling her “girls” how happy she is to have them all back with her, Rock drills his new underlings on the menu, stations, and prep. They elicit two very different responses from their teams. Brad announces to us, “We gotta to do the best we can for Rock,” but Julia says, “Since this is Bonnie’s kitchen, I’m gonna treat her just like I would treat a regular boss. Whatever she asks me to do, Imma do it, but I think Rock deserves to win.”

The next morning, “construction” on the two restaurants continues, and with eight hours until service, the two teams do a trial run of their various dishes. Bonnie realizes that it’s “humbling” for Julia to be cooking under her, but she notes Julia is going to have to deal with it. (Should I even bother to mention the contrivance that is the “Hell’s Kitchen Designer” telling Bonnie that they’ve run out of wallpaper? Or Bonnie’s worry that the wallpaper is bubbling WAY THE FUCK UP BY THE TWENTY-FOOT TALL CEILINGS? Well, let me ask you this: does it ever come to anything or even matter in Ramsay’s eyes? No? Okay, then.)

Rock’s prep goes fairly well. At one point, he even pulls Josh aside to give him a pep talk. He tells Josh that he himself has confidence in his cooking, and Josh just needs to have confidence in himself. It’s all nice and leadershippy and very befitting a champion.

During prep, Bonnie notes that Melissa is overcooking the prawns, a comment that Ramsay parrots when he does a tasting of Bonnie’s menu. Oh, and speaking of the menus, I caught Mr. HK Narrator calling Bonnie’s chèvre salad a “shevra salad,” which just au bon pained me. Dude, it’s “shev” — the “re” is silent. It’s more prison yard weapon than it is a gas station, you know? Other items on Bonnie’s menu include her “signature” egg fettuccine with sautéed Thai prawns and a dessert assortment of chocolate truffles. Ramsay is pretty complimentary about everything on Bonnie’s menu except the aforementioned overcooked prawns and her dessert, which he determines to be too small for a restaurant dessert. He advises her to “do something with it,” which we never see.

For Rock’s part, his menu features a crispy chicken breast and crab cake over jasmine rice (his signature dish), a pan-roasted prime rib eye, and a vanilla bean milkshake with chocolate chunk cookies for dessert. Ramsay’s notes are that the rice is way too garlicky and the milkshake is “too clumsy as a dessert.” He recommends Rock “soften it up a bit” by serving a smaller amount of the milkshake in a cocktail glass instead of a predictable tall glass.

Passing over Ramsay’s inspection of the two “newly designed” restaurants (because see: DOESN’T EVER MATTER), we move into Ramsay’s pep talk to the two finalists, after which he anoints them with executive chef jackets and JP flings open Hell’s Kitchen. Before service gets underway, Brad — who has always been pretty awesome on this show — wishes Rock luck and tells him he’s there for him all night. Mr. HK Narrator tries to make us care about how the diners will react to the finalists’ food because, as he puts it, “feedback from the diners is more important than ever, as Chef Ramsay will consider their input when choosing tonight’s winner.” Yeah, but it really doesn’t and he really won’t.

The first orders for appetizers come in and go out without incident. When the next orders come in, Bonnie comes down on her team for not calling back. She tells us that she thinks her team disregards what she says because they still don’t take her seriously. Bonnie starts to run into real problems with a completely silent and fairly blasé Julia, who tells us that she wasn’t really even paying attention to who was doing what since she just wanted to get dinner service over. Later on, Bonnie doesn’t respond to Julia, and Ramsay comes down on her for fostering a silent team. Somewhere in all of this, Bonnie runs out of her egg fettuccine as well as her prawns, so no more orders for her signature dish can be had. JP is left to make peace with the freeloading customers, who later complain about cold, undercooked food. A still mostly-silent Julia tells a barking Bonnie, “Just be happy I’m giving you your food.” Damn, way to show future employers what a team player you are, Julia! Finally, in the last movement in the Bonnie v. Julia cacophony, Bonnie asks Julia to wrap something up and put it away, but Julia chooses to turf that job to Jen. When Bonnie hears this, she comes down hard on Julia, they argue and squeal, and Ramsay orders Bonnie to run her kitchen.

On Rock’s side, nothing goes out of his kitchen for over thirty minutes, and Josh burns the crab cakes again and again, so Ramsay pulls Rock aside and tells him Josh is screwing up his restaurant. Rock yanks Josh off fish and puts him on stuff that really doesn’t need much done to it except heating. With Brad adding his voice of encouragement to Rock’s orders, Rock kitchen is finally, um, rocking.

After service ends, Ramsay asks each finalist what they would have done differently. Rock says he would have won the taste challenge so he could have first pick of his cooking team. He would have chosen Jen because she has really impressed him (insert noises of Jen beaming and kvelling). Furthermore, if Rock had first pick, he wouldn’t have been stuck with Josh, who really brought the team to a screeching halt. Josh doesn’t care because, as he tells us, he knows how to cook. Really and truly. Totally. Knows how to cook crab cakes until you can’t cook them any more. Definitely. Bonnie admits that if she had it all to do again, she would have made sure to have enough pasta and shrimp to last the night.

Oh, my God, the last FIFTEEN minutes where Ramsay takes some time to consider his decision should have lasted only FIVE! Up in the dorm, Rock and Bonnie hug it out, sincerely wish each other well, and talk about feelings. Ugh — move it ALONG! Finally, after complimenting both of the finalists (Hee — Ramsay tells Rock he knows why he’s called “Rock.” Give up? Because he’s “Rock solid.”) Ramsay positions Bonnie and Rock behind two closed doors. Only one of the door handles will open to allow the winner to walk through. Bonnie and Rock stand there, their hands on the handles for EIGHTEEN BILLION YEARS, before Rock walks through as the season three Hell’s Kitchen winner. Rock bends over crying, Bonnie beams for him and hugs him happily, and the crowd goes wild! Rock’s wife looks calmly happy, but also simply exhausted as she jiggles their half-asleep daughter on her shoulder. She hugs Rock and tells him she loves him so much. I wonder if she’s thinking, “Fuck. Now we gotta move to Vegas.” Rock tells us he’s thrilled he won because he showed his kids that if you stick with something, you can make it happen.

The show closes out in a big party of shiny falling paper and Ramsay and Scott spraying everyone with Champagne. “Season twelve’s winner right here!” Rock bellows, pointing at his adorable son.

And it’s over. See you all around. Hmm, Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares looks pretty badass, doesn’t it?

Posted in Hell's Kitchen, Technology, TV | Leave a Comment »

Hell’s Kitchen – Episode 10 (“Finale, Part 1”)

Posted by g3tech on August 10, 2007

Gordon Ramsay’s Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 0 (is that possible?!?)
Best Guest Judge Quote of the Night: “You told me if I didn’t make a choice, you’d put a cleaver in my back.” — Robin Leach to Ramsay
Best Contestant Quote of the Night: “The whole thing is setting up so I lose to a fucking nanny.” — Rock

Awesome. You gotta love a finale episode where practically nothing happens. The first eight minutes are padded thicker than a Serta with what has already happened in the last nine episodes.

When the episode actually starts, Ramsay gives Bonnie and Rock the briefest of moments to hang with their families. Rock’s two adorable kids are even trotted out for hugs and kisses before both families are shooed off with nary a conjugal moment for Rock. The next morning, Bonnie and Rock meet with an architect to discuss their visions for their individual restaurant. They have opposite tastes, but it doesn’t really matter because, a) the place never really looks any different; and b) they always get thrown a contrived curve, like, “Your ceiling fell in,” or “We couldn’t get your wallpaper to stick”; and c) it’s never part of the final judgment. So please, people, let’s stop wasting precious time diddling over these unnecessary elements and devote it to watching Ramsay have the closest thing to a televised aneurysm outside of the surgery channel. There’s a direct correlation between how little Ramsay swears and how much the episode ends up sucking. Furthermore, I don’t watch FOX for decorating tips, I watch it to lower my IQ and to absorb highly useful insults.

After the architect, the two take fashion consults with Jean-Phillippe to determine the uniforms for their servers. Bonnie goes with classic all-over black, but Jean-Phillippe has to talk Rock out of putting his servers in jeans, which prompts Rock to comment that JP had a look on his face “like a French poodle.” When Mary Anne and Scott are brought in to help Bonnie and Rock set their menu, Bonnie hurls herself screaming at a totally resistant Mary Anne before going over her menu. Bonnie appears to know exactly what she wants, including having mini grilled cheese sandwiches and tiny cups of tomato soup and a pasta with a sauce that apparently has come to be known as “Bonnie sauce.” Yeah, so between Bourdain foaming and sneering about “Rocco’s Frozen Love Juice” and now “Bonnie sauce,” I may never want to eat pasta again. Thankfully, we don’t get such intimate menu details from Rock, who appears to be floundering as he tries to think out his menu.

Using the same private plane Jen and Julie were treated to, Ramsay whisks Bonnie and Rock off to Vegas. I could never be on one of these shows because I could never get that excited about going to Vegas. On the Champagne-fueled flight, Ramsay reminds them of their Hell’s Kitchen highs and lows, which means…MORE CLIPS! After Bonnie and Rock squeal over a suite they don’t actually get to sleep in and a plasma screen playing a promo featuring them, Ramsay drags them off to “have a little drink and relax.” I’m sorry, but Ramsay using the word “relax” should have been the first warning sign that there was no way in hell there would be any relaxing going on. Bonnie and Rock find themselves on an outdoor stage in front of a screaming crowd FOX dragged off the strip just for this event.

Ramsay announces that Bonnie and Rock have 30 minutes to whip up their signature dishes, which will then be judged by various Vegas chefs, Robin “I’m not dead, I’m just in Vegas” Leach, Season 1 Winner Michael, Season 2 Winner Heather, and the Executive Chef and General Manager of the Green Valley Ranch Resort. Luckily, Bonnie and Rock have Mary Anne and Scott to help them out in the kitchen. “Where did they come from? Did they stowaway on the jet?” the Evil Dr. Mathra wonders. Naw, they flew it. Rock prepares fried chicken with crab cake, and Bonnie makes her version of fettuccine Alfredo with Key West shrimp and lobster. Bonnie wins the taste-off, but I’m predicting they did that just to give her a feeling of accomplishment when she loses the war, because I’m sorry but Rock? His wife? Their kids? His career? There’s no way he can lose to a little blonde from Santa Monica who woke up one day and just decided to be a chef.

After the taste-off, Ramsay gives both Bonnie and Rock golden invitations to eat at his chef’s table at his new New York restaurant, Gordon Ramsay at The London, and then the two competitors are back in their Hell’s Kitchen dorm, eating a “last supper” together. Bonnie asks, “Who’s Jesus and who’s Judas?” Does that make Ramsay Pontius Pilate? Because someone’s certainly getting crucified.

The last moment of interest in this episode is when most of the ousted contestants arrive at the dorm the next morning. Most seem happy to be there, except for Julia, who can’t stop crying. It’s not a loud, sobbing sort of thing, though; it’s more like the kind when you just can’t stop the tears from spilling over no matter how hard you try to dry them up by opening your eyes really wide and tipping your head back to make them go back down. Poor Julia. I really hope she can get it together and take Ramsay up on his offer to send her to culinary school, because her career is the one I care to follow when this is all over. Down in the kitchen, Bonnie and Rock pick teams. Bonnie’s taste-off win gives her the first pick, and she goes with Jen, while Rock goes for Brad. In the end, it’s back to boys against girls with Julia and Josh being the last chosen.

Previews for next week promise that the second part of the finale will be way more interesting than this week’s flavorless crap on a plate.

Posted in Hell's Kitchen, Technology, TV | Leave a Comment »

Hell’s Kitchen – Episode 7 (“Day 7”)

Posted by g3tech on July 17, 2007

Gordon Ramsay’s Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 23
Best Ramsay Food Insult of the Night: “Looks like baby vomit, tastes like fucking Bovril.”
Best Contestant Quote of the Night: “They took the filets out and they gave us the SKELETONS!” — Bonnie, while sobbing over the botched order

Gordon Ramsay is really letting me down these days. First of all, we have an all-time low here on the Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter — 23? Really, Ramsay? Come ON, we know you can do better than that! Don’t make me call you a donkey! And then he lets Brad’s “cassoulet” slip by. It was FUCKING macaroni and cheese, not CASSOULET! They don’t even share ANY ingredients! How, just HOW? I mean, if I ordered cassoulet at a restaurant and didn’t get white beans and confit duck and all that good French crap, I’d be fucking pissed!

As the contestants trudge back to their rooms, Bonnie’s reaction to last week’s excising of Melignant is odd. She boggles to us, “It was like when you watch a movie and some main character that you’re not expecting to DIE, like DIES, in the first five minutes and you’re just like…what?” But…Melissa didn’t die in the first five minutes…and you thought Melissa was going home the week before anyway, so…what? Bonnie’s not all there. The boys are fine with Melissa’s ousting, and Rock takes the opportunity to talk about himself in the third person again, “Rock is one person closer to the prize.” The girls can’t get over how cocky the guys are and pledge not to lose.

The next morning’s 30-minute challenge is for each team to take leftovers and create three stunning dishes, one appetizer and two entrees. The leftovers include white wine, chicken stock, beef, vegetable stock, chicken, pasta, eggs, and lobster heads. The boys rock out by assigning proteins and getting right on with their individual dishes with some discussion of planning and execution as they prep, but the girls waste seemingly endless amounts of time simply trying to figure out what to do. Bonnie suggests, “Let’s do meat and potatoes,” but then adds, “How do we do meat and potatoes?” Finally, with Bonnie exclaiming, “We could do steak and eggs!” like it’s the biggest brainwave to hit her in years, the girls actually start cooking.

Bonnie and Brad bring their appetizers up and get ready to whip off the covers. Brad has done a stunning curried bass with crustacean-tomato pasta. Bonnie casts pathetic mewling looks back at her team. Ramsay tastes Brad’s dish and likes it. Bonnie’s dish is a rustic chicken stew. Ramsay tastes and says, “It’s nice, quite fresh. It’s rustic, you’re right.” Bonnie nods emphatically. He calls a tie between the two dishes. I call bullshit. Brad clearly put more thought and effort into his dish, but we do need the drama in this fairly boring episode.

Next up are Jen and Josh. Jen says she did a “classic take” on steak and eggs. What we see are some sad brown chunks of beef, two fried eggs, three tomato slices, pepper over everything, and some sort of unidentifiable yellow sauce, which may or may not be broken yolks. Ramsay expresses his displeasure in Jen’s lack of ingenuity by making a predictable comment about the dish coming off of Julia’s Waffle House menu. Ramsay expected more from Jen. To us, Jen is pissed since steak and eggs was Bonnie’s idea. Yeah, but you cooked it. You could have done more with it. Josh stuffed chicken legs with pea tendrils but doesn’t explain what the fried things are. Ramsay tastes the dish and is repulsed by the acidity of the sauce. He calls a tie here as well, zero-zero.

Finally, Rock uncovers his turf ‘n’ turf of petit rib eye and pan-seared, which Ramsay deems, “delicious.” Moving on to Julia’s dish, Ramsay swears something awful before we go to commercial. Okay, and then we’re back from commercial, and although we get a recap of the few seconds before commercial, we don’t again get the swearing, so I have no idea what that was all about. Anyway, Julia made fish and chips. They’re nice fish and chips, according to Ramsay, but they are still just…fish and chips. Rock wins the challenge for the boys.

The girls have to scrub down the entire kitchen as well as receive and shelve the delivery order. The boys, on the other hand, get to take out their pent-up aggressions in a paintball war with Ramsay at Hollywood Sports Park. At the park, Ramsay explains that it’s the three of them against him — they get to shoot the hell out of him as many times as they want, but if he gets them just once, they’re out. The boys start with a little target practice in the form of photos of Ramsay and the girls, and then we get some slo-mo footage of the suited-up guys going into battle with Ramsay. Josh proclaims Ramsay to be “a little bit of a sniper.” The whole thing seems to be over in a matter of minutes, but I’m sure it lasted much longer. Ramsay eventually manages to nail the guys and they all smile and laugh with each other. I get the feeling that Ramsay doesn’t ever want to actually talk to the boys. Both times they’ve won a prize, it hasn’t been to have some intimate lunch or dinner with Ramsay where they get to work on their sparkling conversation skills.

Back at the kitchen, Bonnie is put in charge of checking in the order while Jen and Julie carry the stuff back. This is not going to go well. At one point, Bonnie makes a big show of smelling the crab and determining, “It’s…fresh.” However, inside and after the delivery truck is totally gone, they discover some major problems. Julia holds up a fleshless turbot and asks, “Where’s the rest of the fish?” Turns out, Bonnie signed off on fish stock skeletons rather than actual filets. “I hate feeling like I’m the dumbass,” Bonnie whines to us. Honey, you’re not just feeling it, okay? Bonnie drops her head to her hands and moroses a bit. Jen bellows at her to stop with the drama because it’s not the end of the world. “Yes, it isssss!” Bonnie whimpers, “You guys didn’t doooo it, it’s meeeee!” Mary Anne arrives to swear over Bonnie’s turbotched job. And then she finds that Bonnie also okayed skinless snapper. And then Scott drops a useless box of salted butter at Bonnie’s hapless feet. (The kitchen only uses unsalted.) This results in the Reds still being involved in a redelivery when the Blues roll up. Inside, Jean-Philippe stops the boys from going upstairs and suggests how nice it would be if they helped out. “Unfortunately, I would like to help,” JP says, touching his lower back gingerly, “But I have a severe back pain.” Hee, of course you do, JP! Rock responds, “I have the same problem, Jean-Philippe and I empathize with you, so I’m gonna take it upstairs.” HA! Nice one. The boys all leave and JP hisses, “It’s deezgusting!” to Bonnie.

The next morning, the contestants are told that they will be creating their own menu in the form of three apps, three mains, and three desserts. The teams split up to brainstorm and plan out their menu over the course of an hour. Jen begins by saying she thinks they should have an ahi tuna appetizer, to which Julia responds, “What’s ahi tuna?” Goggle eyes from Jen and a con-chef-ional about Julia’s Waffle House roots. Whatever. She’s a hard worker. So she doesn’t know what ahi tuna is on paper, show her how to make it and she’ll do fine. Move on.

Brad comes out with all these wild ideas like scallops with horseradish spaëtzle, and making upscale macaroni and cheese but calling it cassoulet. Okay, what? Rock’s with me on this. He doesn’t see a problem with upgrading the mac ‘n’ cheese and calling it what it is, “It’s not a cassoulet. It’s macaroni and cheese.” “We’ll call it cassoulet, though,” Brad insists. Okay, things a cassoulet does not have: pasta and cheese. Things mac ‘n’ cheese does not have: beans, lardon, duck confit, and sausages. There is no overlap there, Brad. You can’t call mac ‘n’ cheese a frickin’ cassoulet any more than you can call Melissa a soothing influence in the kitchen.

Julie suggests they put a New York strip steak on the menu, but Bonnie pooh-poohs it and suggests rabbit, adding, “Do we know how to cook that, though?” Jen raises a sneering lip and wonders if it’s going to be classy enough. Both teams head back down to the kitchen in fairly foul moods. Bonnie asks Jen why she’s shaking her head. “Because I can,” Jen snaps. “Oh, Jen, don’t turn into a bitch now, please,” Bonnie whines. “Don’t call me a bitch,” Jen bitches. “Don’t act like one,” Bonnie retorts. I really hope there are some sympathetic Trekkies out there, because I have been sitting on this one for six weeks: Jen is a dead ringer for like Varria in “The Most Toys.”

Ramsay steps over to examine the menus and asks Julia which of the nine new dishes is the one she suggested. None of them. Julia explains she really wanted to do steak and shrimp, so Ramsay tells her to have at it. Ramsay approves the boys’ menu and hopes they can pull it all off. During prep, Bonnie whines about her bacon staying together. Jen turns to look at her but hardens her face and doesn’t respond. “No one’s talking to me right now,” Bonnie tells the air. Mary Anne reminds them all that it’s still a team effort. “Chef, it’s fine!” Jen announces, “If I make a friend, that’s great and if not, that’s fine too, like, I am just here to compete.” Bonnie is starting to have doubts about her friendship with Jen. Oh, the drama of thinking someone was a nice person on a reality show and then finding out otherwise! It’s like these people have been living in Amish country for the last ten years.

JP throws the doors open, and our helpful and often redundant narrator tells us that the Reds will be adding New York strip steak with shrimp (Julia), seared ahi tuna (Jen), and bacon-wrapped rabbit leg on a bed of polenta (Bonnie) to their menu. The Brad team, however, will be offering turbot and mushroom consommé (Brad), lamb chops with herbed gnocchi and asparagus (Brad), and sautéed chicken breast with truffled “cassoulet” (Brad). If Ramsay doesn’t go completely gnat piss on their donkey asses for that, I’m going to eat a dog’s dinner.

Dinner service is the same predictable jumble of ups and downs. It starts off with diners only ordering from the Red menu and Ramsay slamming the Blues for that. Then none of the Reds really know how to cook Bonnie’s bacon-wrapped rabbit leg but Julia finally masters it and a diner proclaims it to be the best thing he ever tasted. Orders for Julia’s New York strip start to come in like crazy and Ramsay praises her left and right. “Sometimes I do know what’s best although I’m not culinary arts,” Julia tells us. You go, girl!

On the Blue side, Brad has to deal with cold ravioli being sent back and then Josh begins to mess up the lamb chops. He brings some chops to Ramsay, who calls him back to bellow about one chop being perfect and the other being boiled. “Let me tell you something in your ear,” Ramsay says, beckoning to Josh, “YOU CAN’T COOK!” While Josh struggles and struggles in his lamb chop weeds, no one on his team lifts a finger to help him out. As a result, Ramsay jabs his finger into four more of his ruined lamb chops, bellowing, “Just look what you’re doing, you DONUT! BOILED! BOILED! BOILED! BOILED! DONKEY!” And the problems with the Blues don’t stop there, because their customers aren’t getting served. A woman comments to JP that her dining companion, who ordered from the Red menu, is being served before she, the lady, is served. JP, who takes chivalry very seriously, dances up to tell Ramsay about the problem. I was hoping Ramsay would stomp into the dining room and tell the woman that “chivalry is fucking deader than her makeup” but all he does is yell the complaint back to the Blues and blames Josh, “And this is where it separates a fucking chef from a DONKEY!” Ramsay finally orders Brad and Rock to help Josh, but they still don’t do a damn thing.

Ramsay’s temper is way up, so when he can’t immediately find Jen he yells at her for cleaning up and running around with her elbows and wrists up like…well, like the way one would imitate a rabbit, I guess. Jen bitches to us that she doesn’t walk like that, but then we get a blue-toned Hell’s Kitchen flashback to Jen walking pretty much just like that. Observing Jen’s face, Ramsay orders her not to stand there “looking sad like a little, lonely puppy.”

Back with the Blues, Josh FINALLY gets the lamb chops perfect and pulls the Blues out of the hole as a result. Even Scott bellows some gravelly encouragement at Josh. So now, with the Blues overtaking the Reds, Ramsay turns his abuse on them. Not that it’s undeserved, mind you, with Bonnie attempting to cook on an unlit stove. “Hey missy, turn the fucking gas on. It will help!” Ramsay advises. However, just when the Blues thought they were finally getting ahead, two of Brad’s turbot consommés are sent back for being bland and salty, respectively. Ramsay yells and screams and makes them taste the dish and then tells Brad to start them again and then tells him to fuck off. Unfortunately, the Reds aren’t faring any better. They’ve completely stopped talking to one another, Bonnie starts burning things (which is a slight improvement over not actually cooking them), and no one seems to know who is cooking what and when. Poor Chef Ramsay yells and then kicks the hell out of some red plastic lined trashcans.

Finally, desserts get served by the Blues, and the Reds really start bitching at one another. Jen won’t talk to Bonnie and Bonnie keeps whining about it. The restaurant empties and the contestants are lined up. Once again, Ramsay decides there is no winning team. He is particularly pissed at the Blues for leaving Josh in the lurch and reams them for it. There is only one person that whole night, who was impressive and consistent: Julia. WOOHOO! Not a single one of her steaks came back, and Ramsay is rather freaked by the idea that her dish — the most popular one that night — almost wasn’t on their menu. He tells Julia to pick a Red to go home and then orders the Blues to decide amongst themselves the same.

Back in the dorms, Bonnie knows she’s the one to be nominated but spends the rest of Julia’s deliberations convincing her how truly sorta great she is. “I think I make kick-ass dishes, I think my creativity supersedes what I can do in the kitchen!” “Creativity” like…steak and eggs? “I have a great mind and a great mm– you know, tongue, for something like this.”

The Blues can’t come to a consensus about who should go home because none of them will send themselves home. Josh says over and over how he’s sick of being the team’s whipping boy. Rock tells us, “If Josh stopped messing up, he wouldn’t have to be worried about being our scapegoat or being ragged on or anything like that, he’d just be…good.” Remember when we used to say “ragged on” all the time?

Back in front of Ramsay, Julia nominates Bonnie, explaining that Bonnie has “great culinary experience” but can’t get the food out. Turning to the Blues, Ramsay asks Brad who they’ve nominated. Brad announces that they’ve nominated Brad because he took too much control over the menu. Ramsay asks Rock if that’s true, “Not exactly. We voted on it, Chef. He tried to take the leadership reigns today — we think that led us to being unsuccessful.” How is that any different from what Brad said? Ramsay makes Brad and Bonnie step forward and asks Brad how he feels. Brad goes on about waiting in the wings and being a martyr and stepping forward and doing the right thing and going full force and I really don’t know what he’s talking about, but Rock must because he interrupts, “Say my name.” All eyes turn to Rock. “You should just say my name, that’s all,” Rock shrugs. Everyone is quiet. Waiting. “If you’re talking about me waiting in the wings, say ‘Rock,'” Rock says. Brad admits, “I thought I’d be politically correct about it.” “There ain’t no being ‘politically correct’ — we trying to win a competition. Say my name,” Rock insists. Okay, the more times he says “say my name,” the more sexual it sounds. Ramsay comments sourly on how great it is to see such strong team spirit and then asks both contestants to give reasons why they should stay. It’s the predictable stuff: passion, good at what I do, leadership, desire to learn, do my best, etc. Ramsay looks around and says, “The person leaving Hell’s Kitchen is…Bonnie –” She drops her head. “Wake up!” Ramsay continues. Bonnie snaps her head up and looks around with stagy confusion. “Brad, take your jacket off; you’re leaving Hell’s Kitchen.” Brad complies. Ramsay VOs that he was looking for a leader but Brad was just a cook. Brad leaves and tells us that he was voted off because he was the best chef and Rock and Josh were threatened by him. After some words of teamwork wisdom, Ramsay sends the contestants off to bed.

Next week: ROCK CRIES! Oh, no! And Mariah might be in the house? As in Carey? Why?

Posted in Hell's Kitchen, Technology, TV | Leave a Comment »

Big Brother 8 – Episode 3 (“Jeneration X”)

Posted by g3tech on July 11, 2007

After the nominations of Amber and Carol, Kail and Mike hole up in the HoH room while she congratulates herself on not pissing anybody off and getting off “scotch-free.” Amber, meanwhile, has herself a meltdown, claiming that she would never have nominated a fellow mother as Kail had the temerity to do. Presumbly Dick would have been on his own. Then, later, she gets hold of herself and thanks God for using the nomination to make her stronger. Um, God? It’s not working.

Carol, meanwhile, is adopting the opposite strategy of appearing nonchalant about being on the block. Jessica’s not convinced, and is only too happy to hope the rest of the house takes Carol at her word and votes her out. Meanwhile, Carol starts quietly campaigning to Zach, unaware that he’s part of the alliance that put her up in the first place. Carol and Jessica are pretty much just trying to beat each other at this point.

Out in the yard, Dick talks to Kail about how he bonded with his son during the boy’s twenty-first birthday party at a Vegas strip club. Aww, how sweet. Despite the anti-Norman Rockwell imagery, he’s cultivating the parent-bond with Kail much better than is Amber, who seems to be going about it by crying all the time.

There’s a bit where Nick lifts weights and everyone’s impressed with him, except for Jen, who claims she doesn’t like muscles. Of course, Jen is lying throughout this entire paragraph, up to and including her uses of the word “I.” For our benefit, Nick works through his list of flirtees, including Danielle, Amber, “Jenius” (as Jen’s current tank top dubs her), and Carol. Not so much Joe, though. Not wanting to be left out of the intrigue, however, Joe hears Jen telling the others that Nick tried to make out with her, and goes straight to Nick with it. Nick comes right out and confronts Jen, calling her a liar. “Jen lives in her own little Jen world that is Jenuinely in-freaking-sane!” Joe DRs. Jen sticks to her story, not caring that nobody believes her. The crazy thing is that I think she actually believes it herself.

At least until the commercials are over. At which point Jen takes Nick aside and apologizes, blaming her behavior on her jealousy over Nick’s earlier cuddling with Danielle. Nick pretends to be over it, although Jen pushes too hard when she “jokes” about Nick trying to kiss her “again” later. Don’t walk around with your eyes closed waiting for it, honey. Later, Nick recounts the tale to Joe, Amber, and Dick, who are “so over Jen” and her other shirts that say things like “Jenth Degree” and “Jensa Member.” So it’s a perfect opportunity for Amber to approach Kail about what Kail should do if one of the nominees wins the veto. Kail’s open to suggestions, because like all chess grandmasters, she’s always thinking about her current move. She’s happy to accept Jen as an alternate, because hey, it beats thinkin’.

Later, Kail shows how much she sucks at this game by telling Mike that, of the two nominees, Carol is the one more likely to hold it against Kail if she stays. Mike suggests Danielle as an alternate, but Kail doesn’t want to piss off Dick. So Mike suggests Joe in her place, but gets on board when Kail suggests Jen.

Amber prays to God to make her strong and help her win the power of veto, while the music guys buck her up with some inspirational music straight out of a Michael Bay film. Those people crack me up.

Kail calls everyone together to select the players for the Power of Veto competition. The HoH, the two nominees, and three randomly drawn players will compete for the opportunity to take one of the nominees off the block. “The only person I didn’t want to be picked was Jen,” Carol DRs, which makes me amazed that Jen doesn’t get drawn. Kail draws “Houseguest’s Choice,” and picks Danielle in order to keep her “alliance” under wraps. Behold the puppetmaster. Amber picks Jameka, and Carol picks Nick. Nick DRs that he wants to win so that he can keep the same nominees. And then Kail selects a host to explain the game and call the action for those of s at home: Jessica, the only person in the house with a voice more grating than Kail’s.

The non-players hang out in the HoH room, where Jen realizes she’s the only girl in there. That’s pretty much all she had to say. Thanks for that incisive observation.

Jessica explains this week’s PoV competition, which is a kind of “hide and seek.” In this case, each player takes a little red-and-black veto icon, and then they take turns each hiding theirs inside the house. Danielle goes first, and goes on about how competitive she is and how much she has to prove, whereupon she hides it in the slop bucket in he fridge. It will never be seen again. Carol hides hers in Dick’s sheets, on the theory that nobody will want to touch them. Amber sticks hers in a pillowcase. Nick crams his under the mattress of one of the tiny beds. Kail hides hers under the teabags. And Jameka hides hers in her hair bag, with her extensions. She wants you all to know that the hair on her head is really hers, though.

Then they all have to go in the house, one at a time, to search for someone else’s veto. Danielle goes first, and despite the fact that she sticks to the kitchen, where she hid hers, she goes right past Kail’s veto hidden in the teabags. Meanwhile, Jen’s driving everyone in the HoH room crazy, just by being Jenerally irritating.

Carol finds Amber’s veto in the pillowcase, so Amber’s already lost. But she doesn’t know that, so she still has to search, and finds nothing. We don’t see which one Nick finds, but he tells us how “considerate” he was during the search. Kail, by contrast, ransacks the place, because her stuff is in the HoH room, so who cares? For someone whose entire strategy thus far has been trying not to piss everyone off, she seems to be having trouble sustaining it.

Meanwhile, in the HoH room, Dick is getting pissed off at Jen for her behavior during the butter challenge. And for being Jen.

Jameka finds the veto hidden in Dick’s bed, and that’s everyone having had a chance to search. But there are still two missing vetoes, so everyone gets to go back in again, one at a time. Kail goes even further than before, treating the house like the Who used to treat hotel rooms. This offends Jameka so much during her second search that she wastes some of her time putting her dirty clothes back in her bag. Danielle finds one of the two missing vetoes: “For some reason, [the box of teabags] was the only thing that still had something left in it.” Nice move, Kail, trashing the entire house except for your hiding place. Anyway, five vetoes have been found. Game over.

Everyone else is horrified when they come out of the HoH room and see that the house looks like its been turned upside down and shaken vigorously. Not that there will be any repercussions of any kind, at least that we see tonight. They join the competitors in the yard. In order, the found vetoes belonged to Amber, Nick, Carol, Jameka, and of course — as much as they try to suspense it up — Kail. So Danielle has the first Power of Veto.

Dick DRs that he’s proud of Danielle, and Amber immediately goes to work on her to put up Jen instead. Danielle is not any more a fan of Jen than anyone else is. Let’s hope Amber remembers to thank God for making Jen such an asshole.

Eric, America’s Player, goes into the DR to read his assignment for the week. Eric’s pretty glad to hear that all he has to do is make up a traumatic story to tell to Kail. Because that’s whom America “voted” to see him lie to. “This is going to be a cakewalk,” he tells us. No argument here. Eric asks Kail to meet him up in the HoH room, and prepares himself by squirting some of every kind of contact lens solution he owns into his eyes before heading up. Kail doesn’t just take the bait; she’s ravenous for it, saying she knows something’s been bothering Eric. “I could tell yesterday. You were quiet,” she says perceptively. Eric’s story is about a girlfriend of his in high school whom Danielle reminds him of, and who had an eating disorder. Kail figures that Erik has been deeply affected by seeing Danielle put on slop. Still, Eric can’t stand how easy this is, so we’re treated to a whole bravura weepy montage of him going on and on to Kail about his skinny girlfriend, blah blah blah, complete with a sad cello and everything. Poor dumb Kail tells us in the DR that “Eric is a very sensitive guy…He cares too much.” Eric returns to the Diary Room and, over a little graphic of the words “TASK COMPLETED” next to a checked box, he says he looks forward to working with us in the future. Okay, except that wasn’t work.

And now we’re back with Dustin and Joe, a storyline I had completely forgotten to miss. Dustin asks for Joe’s respect. Joe says he’s trying, but that Dustin is his “arch-nemesis” and all, and having him here kind of screws things up for him. Dustin says that he’s in the same situation, and it’s clear that Joe has literally never thought about that. He adds that this gives them a chance to work things out. He says something heartfelt about Joe’s family, which Joe appreciates, and then DRs to us that it’s to his advantage to keep things civil with Joe. Okay, back to the back burner with you two!

Out in the hammock, Joe, Nick, and Danielle talk about getting rid of Jen. “I should use the veto tomorrow,” Danielle muses.

At the next day’s veto ceremony, Danielle stands before the photo wall and appears to think in voice-over. She calls it a stressful decision. She says that if she vetoes Carol, it could be to her advantage to keep her around. Whereas Amber could be risky to keep around. Kail says she hopes Danielle doesn’t change her nominations, and says she would have to “contain herself” if Danielle vetoes someone. Danielle calls the meeting, and gives each of the nominees a chance to defend herself. “I’m not ready to go home yet” is Carol’s entire argument. Amber says that she’s had “an amazing journey” and the “relationships with everybody.” Danielle turns attention back to herself, saying she’s happy to be the first veto winner. She says she’s been thinking about how to shake up the house, and she’s going to do that by…wait for it…not using the PoV.

Danielle DRs that she left the PoV in the box because it’s too early to be shaking things up that don’t need to be shaken up yet. Amber interviews that she’s “by far the most determined and focused person in the house.” She wants to walk out the door with her head held high and her family waiting for her. And the longer they have to wait, apparently, the better. Carol also claims she’s a strong competitor and will not give up. Jessica tells the DR, “Bye Carol! See you at the high-school reunion in ten years.”

And then the America’s Player thing gets a little more interesting, because we get to pick who Eric votes on for elimination. Something that actually affects the game? It’s almost like Season 1. We’ll see who gets eliminated on Thursday. Or rather, you will, because your regular weecappers will return. I’m so glad to see you guys!

Posted in Hell's Kitchen, Technology, TV | Leave a Comment »

Hell’s Kitchen – Episode 6 (“Day Six”)

Posted by g3tech on July 10, 2007

Gordon Ramsay’s Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 34
Rock’s Bleep-O-Flipping-Out-Meter: 15
Best Ramsay Insult of the Night: “It looks like regurgitated dog shit.”
Best Contestant Quote of the Night: “A grilled bullshit with some fucking apples. Originality! Be CREATIVE!” — Rock

After the contestants retire to their rooms, Melissa goes to hang out with her new teammates, and already she’s commanding attention and making speeches. After she loudly and gratingly announces that she will never sabotage her team, Rock, blissed out by finally getting to the end of a long-ass night, tells her, “But we run our kitchen a little different. We’ll talk you to tomorrow. Tonight is all about everybody’s still here.” Meanwhile, Bonnie orders up a meeting in one of their rooms and tells Melissa, “Not you, bitch!” Damn, baby girl’s suddenly got a mouth on her now! Bonnie gives her team a pep talk and ends it with, “Hug it out, my girls! You guys, I love you!” Yeah, just as long as none of them drops the Spirit Stick Blender, right?

The next day we find out — all surprisingly — that while Jen has been “passing” as a pastry chef, it turns out she’s actually cooked in a few places. Not only that, but her pastry cheffery has been at some pretty swank places, like Morimoto and The Ritz. Jen tells us that she’d rather people not set the bar too high on her from the get-go. She’d rather fly under the radar as a small-town pastry chef so she can impress everyone when she brings it. Rock totally gets Jen’s strategy, acknowledging that she wasn’t lying, she was just holding back: “I like it, I appreciate it because that’s gamesmanship, and this is a competition.”

The Quickfire this week — I know, I know, wrong show, but what else can I call it? Quickfire and Brimstone? — has the contestants snagging live lobsters from a tank and then coming up with three separate lobster dishes per team. Bonnie is immediately dismayed by this turn of events and mewls up her face, pouting for the lost lobster lives. Of course, Ramsay notes this and asks what crustacean crawled up her butt. “Chef, I hate killing lobsters. I cry every time,” Bonnie protests. “So do the lobsters,” Rock awesomely rejoins. I love Rock. Ramsay tells her, “The quicker you put the knife through the head, the better.” Bonnie snivels to us, grinning because I’m sure she thinks her admission makes her the cutest thing around, “I mean, I love to eat it — it tastes great, but I hate to be responsible for killing something.” If you’re going to be a chef, you’re gonna have to get over that attitude. Josh, because of identifying scallops as lobster in the taste test challenge, is ordered to sit this one out. He’s not allowed to touch a lobster; he can only advise his team.

Bonnie’s issues are not over. Not only does she hate killing lobsters, but she also doesn’t like touching them because they are “weird little things.” Seriously, if Bonnie wins this whole thing, I can totally see Ramsay forcing her to be on his F-Word series, so she can begin to understand what it means to get food on the table. As the contestants run to the tanks to load up on their live, un-rubber-banded lobsters, a few of them get pinched, and Bonnie tries to avoid going to the tank completely. However, since Julia goes for the pans Bonnie was intending to busy herself with, Bonnie is forced to dive into the tank and, whimpering all the time, pulls out a “big fucker.” She continues whimpering as she dumps it into the pot of boiling water and apologizes to it. After this show, Bonnie and Keziah formed the first international fruitarian society. Since most of the Blues know what they are doing, all Josh can do is advise Melissa on her cold lobster salad. We never do see any of them knifing lobsters through the head.

Going head-to-head, the contestants present their dishes to Chef Ramsay. Between Bonnie’s grilled lobster salad with baked apples and Melissa’s poached lobster and citrus-herb salad, Ramsay declares for Bonnie, citing improperly cooked lobster in Melissa’s dish. Nice one, Josh. Next is Julia’s lobster risotto and Rock’s buttermilk-fried lobster tail, Ramsay chooses Rock. Even though her lobster was perfectly tender and had “intriguing” spice to it, Ramsay decided that Julia’s risotto was boring. Finally, Jen’s lobster bisque with saffron and thyme is up against Brad’s lobster bisque with “Disaronno chantilly.” Ramsay professes to be stymied right into the commercial break, where the Hell’s Kitchen bumper pitchfork is produced by lobster bubbles. They’re getting creative with these, aren’t they? We had the muddy combat boot print in “Day 3,” and now this, and then there’s that violent slice of bloody roast beef later.

In the end, Ramsay rules in favor of the Reds, and given the award, you can’t but help wonder if this was a set-up. I mean, a photo shoot where the girls are to surround Ramsay like Charlie’s Angels? Did they really just come up with that on the fly? I don’t know, maybe I’m too cynical. Maybe In Touch had two photo shoot scenarios planned out, one for the girls and one for the boys…plus Melissa. Ramsay details how the Reds are going to be dressed up and have their makeup and hair done and get all prettified. It’s so ironic how Melissa and her carefully groomed Amber Waves of Annoying don’t get to participate in this one. Bonnie is so beside herself at the prospect of being made pretty with Ramsay that she can barely form coherent sentences.

The losing Blues have to scour the garbage bins for recyclables. Rock is pissed and he lets everyone know it: “I grew up in the ghetto, in the hood, and I ain’t never been in no trash.” Brad suggests that they take their punishment like men, but Rock turns into an angerball. I mean, he totally loses it. Smashing stuff around, tossing stuff, scoring his own Bleep-O-Fucking Meter, the works. Out back, Scott shows them what they’re recycling: piles of plastic and glass bottles. They need rinsing and sorting. See, that’s not that bad. I was worried they were going to have to reclaim trashed food, so Ramsay could make a point about how much they’ve been throwing out all week. Didn’t he do that in Season One or Two?

After a Champagne-fueled limo ride, the Reds and Ramsay arrive at the photo shoot and squee all over the place. During hair and makeup, the girls tease Ramsay about wearing makeup. “Chefs don’t wear makeup,” Ramsay informs them. Moving on to his hair, Jen hopes that he’s having someone do something with it: “You look like you got stuck in a wind tunnel, or something.” Ramsay, embarrassed, thanks her for that. After hair and makeup, the girls come out in their dresses. Bonnie’s got on a blue and white patterned number that looks like it could be an Uli creation, Julia walks self-consciously out in a short green high-waisted dress that does nothing for her shoulders but much for her bosoms, and Jen totally ruins her black sheath by dropping her mannish jaw and sort of waving her arms around…mannishly. Puzzlingly, they eat and drink after the makeup was applied. I guess they can always have their lips redone, but Jen really needs to keep her mouth shut when she’s chawing through her grub.

Back in Hell, the Blues recycle. But then! In a twist! Rock is called to the photo shoot! Gasp! I wonder if they changed their mind and decided he needed to be prettied up and posed as well! Poor Rock. He arrives at the shoot and just stands there, waiting for the other clog to drop. The girls eye him and wonder what he’s doing there. Anyone who couldn’t predict this turn of events hasn’t watched enough seasons of this show. Was it last season that a contestant — all smelly from something — was dispatched to the photo shoot to dispense Champagne to the winners? Saying that he’d “rather be complete from start to finish,” Ramsay asks Rock to take out a bin of trash FROM THE PHOTO SHOOT and recycle it. Bonnie sympathetically groans, “No way!” through a mouthful of lipstick, food, and Champagne. Not done with his torment, Ramsay asks what stinks. It’s Rock. Ramsay offers Rock a sandwich for his journey, but Rock turns him down, saying, “I’m great, I’m full of bullshit already.” Seriously, poor Rock. However, do you think he brought it on himself? If he hadn’t bitched so much about their loss and punishment, I doubt they would have sent him. It wouldn’t have been dramatic enough. I wonder if they would have sent Melissa instead, just so she could see exactly what girly stuff she was missing out on by moving to the Blues. Wielding kitchen equipment, like pizza cutters and electric mixers, the Reds are posed around Ramsay like Charlie’s Angels. Someone really should have been holding a crème brûlée torch. After Ramsay tells Jen to watch where she’s “rolling that pizza cutter,” we see the finished In Touch cover, and I’m sort of disappointed they didn’t slap “Hell’s Bitches?” over it.

Rock returns with the bag of trash from the shoot and just starts smashing the bottles into the pile. Okay, it sounds like he’s smashing the bottles but we don’t actually see them post-smashment. He’s pissed and he’s not talking. He’s gone somewhere very dark. And there’s that squishy-loud Roast Beef Slice of Violence taking us into commercial.

Rock seems to have zenned himself out before they have to prep for that night’s service. He tells us calmly that he was pissed earlier but he’s back to being a leader for his team. During prep, Melissa goes out of her way to be helpful to the Blues, and the Reds believe they are doing just fine with one less cook. Five minutes before service, Ramsay tells the teams that Bonnie’s grilled lobster salad is going on the menu. Furthermore, because the Blues lost, it is their responsibility to supply both teams with live lobster when the order comes up. Josh volunteers to be the “lobster bitch.”

Service begins, and Rock tells Melissa to “lean on the team.” However, she’s not to blame when the Blue team gets behind with a big pot of non-boiling water and spaghetti appetizer orders to fill. The Reds get a head start and have no problems getting their appetizers out, and even seem to be hitting the ground running with their first entrees. However, even when you’re doing well, Ramsay needs to yell at you. For doing well. Basically, he berates them that they better not fuck it up. Brad gives Ramsay one too many appetizers, and then Melissa screws up the scallops, and both of them incur Ramsay’s ire. Sadly, Bonnie, excited that her team is on fire, does in fact set them on fire. Her station flares up and she has no idea what to do with it. She pulls the flaming pan and puts it on the floor, where it seems to get extinguished, because by the time Ramsay stomps over to lecture her on proper fire safety, the fire’s out. Back in the Blue kitchen, Josh has turned his unsalted mashed potatoes into cake batter and is pouring them on the plate. Ramsay can’t handle it and starts kicking bins angstily. The Reds’ entrees keep going out with both Mary Anne’s and Ramsay’s compliments, so of course, Ramsay threatens, “I swear if anyone screws this, you’ve only got yourselves to blame.” Melissa’s overcooked risotto earns a hissed “This is your worst service ever!” for Brad from Ramsay. Melissa overcooks monkfish, so Ramsay goes around to every Blue team member and says, “She doesn’t know that’s overcooked? She doesn’t know that’s overcooked!” Ramsay switches Rock onto fish and exiles Melissa to garnish.

Although the Reds have had a pretty stellar service all night, Ramsay did yell at Julia for some fish missteps and then Bonnie gets impatient with Julia over Wellington doneness. That’s about all Julia can take and she dissolves into tears as she keeps working. Bonnie pleads, “Are you mad at me?” God, how selfish is that? She’s so worried that Julia is mad at her, she doesn’t even consider that her own actions upset her. No, it’s all about you, Bonnie.

Out in the dining room, JP fields complaints from diners about chewy, overcooked lobster and offers to bring all the plates back to the kitchen. At the pass, JP explains, “Lobster shooey, chef.” The beef’s overdone as well. Ramsay gouges his eyes as he realizes this means redoing a six-top, so he does the only thing he can do at this point. “Shet it down!” he bellows. A diner, who was paid fifty dollars to eat at the restaurant for free, can’t believe he’s not going to get dessert. “Fuck that,” he comments, and BOOM! he’s on TV.

The Blue team loses (again!) and Ramsay tells them they all suck, so the four of them need to come up with two people to send to the chopping block. After some consideration, the Blues decide to base their judgment on everyone’s overall performance, and agree on Melissa and Josh. In front of Ramsay, we don’t even see the Blue team come forward with their nominations. Instead, he cuts to the chase and barks at Melissa to hand over her jacket and get out of Hell’s Kitchen. Oh, but Ramsay’s not done yet. He calls Brad and Josh forward, treats them to some moderate berating and sends them back to Rock, warning them that this is their last chance. Ramsay tells them all to “get a grip” and sends them the fuck off to bed.

Posted in Hell's Kitchen, Technology, TV | Leave a Comment »

Hell’s Kitchen – Episode 5 (“Day 5”)

Posted by g3tech on July 8, 2007

Gordon Ramsay’s Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 21

Best Ramsay Insult of the Night: “You’re standing there acting like a jumped-up little cavewoman!”

Best Example of Ramsay Just Being Awesome: “I can’t stop the CHURCH!”

Best Contestant Quotes about Melissa:

“If Melissa were on my team, a very dark side of me would come out.” —Rock

“That bitch is crazy — I showed her exactly how to make this simple-ass, dumb-ass dish.” —Rock

“And she’s not going to stop talking, and I may have to strangle her with some chiffon.” —Bonnie

Just when I thought this show couldn’t get any more fantabulously horrible, we get this Melissa-packed, hate-filled night.

Back in their rooms after the previous nights’ service, Rock tries to tell Josh why he nominated him to go home but Josh just disagrees with him. It’s fairly amicable. On the other hand, Bonnie whines to her girls how no one patted her on the back or supported her after service. I’m not quite sure what her deal is here because if you all recall, Ramsay singled her out as the worst of her team, so just what back-patting does she think she’s due? Melissa reminds her it’s a “fucking competition” and then tells us that Bonnie is a “failure waiting to happen.” After asking for back pats, Bonnie wonders aloud to her team if she even deserves to be there. Make up your mind, donkey! Meanwhile, Melissa strokes her Amber Waves of Annoying. If I were her, I’d spend more time spackling that acne volcano on her chin than fussing with her hair. Seriously, we were starting to wonder if it was a sudden wart.

Next morning on location at Bristol Farms, Chef Ramsay informs the teams that they will be cooking for a “weddin'” reception. Why would you ever choose to have your reception at a place that has “hell” in the name? Imagine the invitations. Man, I hope they aren’t Catholic. Each team will have to create one appetizer, one fish entrée, and one meat entrée. They have $100 and thirty minutes to spend and shop. Hmm, this looks oh so very familiar. Melissa decides to “take the lead” or, as we like to call it, get bossier than God, and pushes her team to do a duck entrée. Melissa tells us she took the lead because her team has needed that from her time and time again. When the teams check out — to the sounds of a “O, Fortuna”-esque chorus — the girls are just under their budget and the boys are over by nearly $40. After some argument, the boys finally figure it all out.

Back in the kitchen, the Blue Team rocks it, so we’re just going to leave them alone for the duration. However, the Red Team seriously loses it and it’s entirely Melissa’s freaking fault. She starts off by calmly instructing, “If anyone has a question, just ask me because that’s what Chef has been doing.” Julia’s deadpan reaction makes me love her even more, “Oh, yeah — that’s been helping us.” Julia asks Bonnie a question about cooking the duck, and even though Bonnie totally answers her correctly, Melissa SHOVES her aside and tells Julia, “Ask me if you have any questions.” Bonnie has stomped off but Julia asks, “What is your problem, Melissa?” “You’re supposed to ask me, not Bonnie,” Melissa informs her. Yep. This is ONLY the beginning. So, later on, Julia had taken the duck out of the oven to keep it from burning. What does Melissa do? She puts it back IN the oven and blathers, “All the food has to be hot okay? I’m assuming that you all had a little bit of knowledge of how to cook, otherwise you shouldn’t be here.” In the back, Rock is whispering, “Argue! Argue! Hell’s Bitches! Hell’s Bitches! Yes!” He rocks my television world. Okay, now Melissa has discovered that the duck is overdone and tells Julia that. “I know, you made it overdone,” Julia tells her. “I didn’t make it overdone — your job, your station,” Melissa has the gall to tell her. Julia tells her not to even try it.

Both teams plate up their final results, and the Red Team has to tell Chef Ramsay about not using their time wisely and arguing and all that kind of good shit. Melissa, again camera-ready with her freaking unhygienic hair once again cascading around her shoulders, complains, “I can’t do everything at once.” Calling her “madam,” Ramsay tells her he didn’t put her in charge, so she needs to shut up. Then, Ramsay throws them a “curve.” The bride and groom — Carlota and Cyrus –will be tasting the food and deciding the winners. The happy couple comes out and while the teams stand there silently, Ramsay turns, bares his teeth angrily and gives the contestants this absolutely filthy look like, “just you wait until I get my hands on you!” and starts clapping, gesturing fiercely at them to follow suit. It was one of the best expressions I’ve seen on television in a long, long time. As the bride and groom prepare to sample their food, Melissa raises her hand and says she doesn’t think they should serve their food. Ramsay shuts her up and beckons the teams to present their appetizers.

Between the crab salad with thyme-grapefruit aioli (Blue Team) and the puff pastry-wrapped brie served on a pile of pureed strawberries (Red Team), the bride and groom rule for the boys. The groom decided the brie dish was too much like dessert. Next comes the fish course and the bride and groom far prefer the sea bass with bacon-cured collard greens (Red Team) over the herb-crusted sea bass with vegetable broth and butter-foam sauce (Blue Team). Not being Marcelites, the happy couple finds the foam sauce “a little bit strange.” The meat entrée decides the winner, and Rock is feeling that it’s all on him. He needn’t have worried. Jen moves to present their duck breast, and Melissa is muttering to her, “Don’t — don’t. Tell him.” Ramsay has to shut her up again and orders them to bring their food. Jen lifts their dome to show…a duck breast. That’s all. Nothing else. No sides, no sauce, no garnish — nothing. And the duck breast looks all dried and very much like a piece of crusty bread. It’s hysterical. Ramsay grabs his eyes and rubs them hard. He asks Jen to describe the dish. “That’s a duck breast,” Jen says. Ramsay shakes his head and tells everyone how embarrassed he is. Rock gets to explain his dish of a dry-aged pan-seared rib eye with wild mushroom cream sauce. Don’t hold back, Rock — there’s even some crispy potatoes and what look like steamed Brussels sprouts and bacon. It’s a feast! After the groom comments, “Oh, wow — this is really tough,” Ramsay whisks it away from him and says, “No one’s eating that.” The Blue Team finally wins something and their reward is spend a day of luxury at a spa.

Back in their apartment, Julia, Jen, and Bonnie bitch about Melissa’s bossiness and how she ruined the duck breast. Joining them, Melissa refuses to take responsibility for anything and even tells Julia that the next time Melissa gets bossy with her, Julia should grow a set of balls. Seriously. She said that. To Julia. AFTER she railroaded her and lost them the challenge! While the boys get acupuncture, massage, and some other sort of body manipulation for Brad, the Red Team’s punishment is to get knee-deep in tulle and flowers and help the wedding planner decorate the restaurant for the reception. I’m certain he’s gotta be an actor — he’s playing the fey gay wedding planner way too much to not be a character. When the girls are left on their own to follow the wedding planner’s directions, Melissa immediately starts haranguing the girls EVERY FIVE SECONDS about whether or not they need her help on individual tasks. Her querulous, nasal, SHRILL, fish-wifey voice does not stop yammering the entire time, and the rest of the Red Team has clearly had it. They make faces, pretend to strangle themselves or shoot themselves in the head, and just generally try very hard to ignore her. At one point, Melissa even wants to make sure each of the net tulle gift bag thingies has exactly the same color proportions of mints in them. Like they all have to have five pink, four yellow, four white, and so on. She’s a freak. The girls refuse to do it. “I’m not. Doing. It,” Julia says between gritted teeth.

The next day is the wedding reception, and we learn that the guests will have a choice of items from the regular menu (cue Wellington disasters, stage right) as well as the winning items from the tasting. Right away, Melissa starts annoying Rock with questions about how to do the potatoes. Later on, Ramsay discovers a skillet of Melissa’s potatoes and they have gone black and nasty. Melissa babbles that she did it exactly how Rock told her to do it and he “kept switching recipes.” You know what, Melignant? I’m assuming Rock didn’t tell you to put the potatoes in cold water to keep them from oxidizing themselves to gangrenous proportions because he figured that with ALL the years of experience you keep running off at the mouth about would KNOW something as BASIC as THAT! But no, she still hasn’t learned because she ruins another batch of potatoes. Ramsay yells his favorite insult, “You’ll poison someone!”

With the entire wedding party seated, Jean-Paul takes the bridal couple’s order first and the pressure is on to get them served while all their guests wait. For the Blue Team, the baby poo risotto proves cumbersome once again, but we get to hear Sous Chef Scott’s absurdly gravelly voice grind, “Dat risotto’s not ready.” Seriously, he’s got some twelve-pack-a-day, aged-in-wood, single-malt vocal chords down there. We need to hear more from them. The bride and groom finally get served and the teams move on to deal with the rest of the guests. And because there’s always a time when someone has to wait a ridiculous amount of time for their food, we have the wedding planner coming up to bug Jean-Philippe that the bride’s parents have not been served. JP tells the wedding planner to go bug Ramsay about it. He even ENCOURAGES him to tell Ramsay that he’s the wedding planner. He’s so feeding that guy to the wolves and you can almost see him smile as he turns away. JP, you’re so evil. He tells the cameras, “I don’t really want to be told by anybody what to do.” Now, what is singular about that is the “do.” It’s so unquestionably British-inflected that I’m starting to doubt the veracity of JP’s frog legs. Meanwhile, Ramsay is having none of the wedding planner and bellows at him to get out of the fucking way. “Okay, I think that went well,” the wedding planner says to himself. Hee. I don’t believe any of this but it’s still so damn entertaining.

Melissa slows up her team, and after Ramsay goes off on her saying, “You’ve turned into a right little bitch — WAKE UP!” he appoints Jen as the Red Team’s leader. Josh tries to send cold sauce with the fish, but Ramsay shouts it back. And as if Melissa hasn’t already screwed up enough, she discovers that the water-bathed zabaglione has fallen into the water and is now ruined. Running to the next team, Melissa tries to beg some of their sauce but Brad tells her he needs all of it. Ramsay finds her in the Blue kitchen and screams her out, saying, “Piss off with you, you little sabotage!” He makes her whip up a brand new zabaglione. All the guests are finally served and Ramsay presents the happy couple with a totally unnecessary Green Valley Ranch commercial in the form of a honeymoon suite.

Ramsay decides the Red Team totally bit it and tells Jen to choose her sacrificial lambs, although, if she picks Melissa, it’s more like mutton. Jen struggles over her decision but finally sends up Melissa and Bonnie. I have to say that although Melissa screwed up all over the place and is CLEARLY the most incredibly obnoxious contestant this year, I was going to miss all the drama if she was sent home. Therefore, I was thrilled when Ramsay asks for Melissa’s coat — Jen is heard to whisper, “Oh, thank god.” — and then says, “You, Madam, are going to the men’s team.” He gives her a blue coat and tells her to shape up. Turning to Bonnie — and if you didn’t see this coming, you haven’t watched the last two seasons — he sends her back to her team. No one is going home tonight. Ramsay’s reasoning for this move is that Melissa has shown herself to be such a good chef, he has to give her one more chance. Poor Rock. He’s going to absolutely lose it. I can’t wait.

Posted in Hell's Kitchen, Technology, TV | Leave a Comment »

A Look At (Some) Summer TV Shows

Posted by g3tech on July 6, 2007

Doctor Who – July 6th @ 9pm on SciFi – The doctor is impressively “in”. With over 1 million viewers each week during the last season, “Doctor Who” has quite a following. The third season kicks off with a Christmas in July celebration: a Christmas special episode where the time-traveling Doctor (returning actor David Tennant) encounters a bride who inexplicably turns up on the TARDIS. Award-winning British comedy actress Catherine Tate guest stars in the episode. In season 3, the Doctor recruits medical student Martha Jones (Freema Agyeman) to help him thwart an army that has transplanted a London hospital onto the moon. Thus, Martha becomes his new companion as Billie Piper has departed. Throughout the third season, the Doctor and Martha will have to save William Shakespeare, deal with bloodsucking aliens, encounter a clan of galactic stormtroopers, and uncover a Dalek plot in 1930s New York. No one ever said being the last Time Lord was going to be easy.

Weeds – August 13th @ 10pm on Showtime – Pot-selling suburban mother Nancy Botwin had one of the worst and busiest days of her life during last season’s finale. Her eldest son had gone missing and her other son was delivering a candid, inflammatory speech during his elementary school graduation. On top of that, Nancy’s monumental weed deal with Conrad went horribly wrong. Hopefully the fourth season for Nancy will be less chaotic, but we are dealing with the folks of Agrestic, California, where things never seem to turn out as planned. The new season of “Weeds” ushers in some fresh faces: Matthew Modine and Mary-Kate Olsen will join the cast as the mysterious Christian neighbors that move to the nearby Majestic community. Modine portrays Sullivan Groff, a land developer who quickly forms a mutually beneficial business arrangement with Nancy. But don’t expect Celia to let their little agreement slip by her. Meanwhile, Olsen’s character Tara will become Silas’ new love interest. Season 3 will also see the return of Zooey Deschanel as Andy’s crazy ex-girlfriend Kat, and Carrie Fisher as Arlene, Celia’s divorce attorney. Expect tons of dirty little secrets to be exposed this season as the dark comedy welcomes you back to life behind shiny doors and pristine lawns.

So You Think You Can Dance (read the latest news on my blog) – Wednesdays @ 8 and Thurdays @ 9 on Fox – Last summer’s #1 hit, “So You Think You Can Dance,” is back for a third round to find America’s next favorite dancer. The show’s producers will scour New York, Chicago, Los Angeles and Atlanta, auditioning tons of wannabe dancers and whittling them down to a group that best represents the rhythm of America. The lucky and talented dancers who initially spark the judges’ interest will be invited to call-backs, where they’ll have the opportunity to work with top-notch choreographers. After call-back week the Top 20 dancers will continue to the competition round. Once there, they’ll dance their way into your hearts with a variety of sizzling numbers ranging from the “street” styles of hip-hop, krumping, and popping to “the best of ballroom” in salsa, quickstep, jive, and more. Don’t miss a dancing phenomenon that’s guaranteed to get your toes tapping.

Hell’s Kitchen – Mondays @ 9 on Fox – “Hell’s Kitchen” is back for a third season, because second helpings are never enough. Chef Gordon Ramsay will once again have 12 would-be restaurateurs vying for the ultimate culinary prize — the coveted title of Head Chef at a new fine Italian restaurant at the Green Valley Ranch Resort and Spa in Las Vegas. Chef Ramsay is loud, abrasive, and ready to put the chefs on the chopping block as he guides them through his hellish culinary boot camp. Each week Ramsay will grill the ambitious hopefuls as they attempt to prove they have what it takes to run their own restaurant. He will slice and dice the contestants, keeping only those who possess the right combination of ingredients to ensure success. The contestants’ inexperience, combined with the perfectionist Ramsay’s acid tongue, may be a recipe for disaster, but for one aspiring restaurateur, it’s the chance of a lifetime. In this pressure-cooker environment, only one thing is certain: If you can’t stand the heat, get out of “Hell’s Kitchen.”

Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List – Tuesdays @ 10 on Bravo – The perpetual D-Lister and comedian extraordinaire Kathy Griffin is back for another season of adventures and drama. In the third-season opener, Kathy reflects on events in her life, emotionally addressing her divorce. Meanwhile, she prepares for an A-list gig at Carnegie Hall and a starring role in a corporate film. Kathy employs a tour manager/housemate/company whipping boy named Tom and also does her assistant Jessica a huge favor by hiring an assistant for her. Only in Hollywood do assistants need assistants. Appearing in the season premiere are Whoopi Goldberg, Rosie O’Donnell, Joan Rivers, and former “American Idol” finalist Kellie Pickler.

Big Love – Mondays @ 9 on HBO – The second season of Emmy and Golden Globe nominated “Big Love” finds the Utah businessman Bill (along with his three wives, three houses and three families) trying to find the person responsible for outing his first wife Barb as a polygamist at Utah’s Mother of the Year ceremony. Making matters worse, a failed expansion and a suspicious employee entangle Bill’s work at Henrickson Home Plus. Meanwhile, back at the fundamentalist Juniper Hill compound, Prophet Roman Grant sets his sights on Bill’s brother Joey as leverage to regain a share of the family business. Roman turns up the heat on Wanda to try to get want he wants. Throw a pregnant Margene, an absent Barb, an overcompensating Nicki and seven needy kids into the mix, and Bill won’t be getting much sleep at any of his houses. The Henricksons, though atypical, are just another family trying to live the American dream as they push the boundaries of the evolving institution of marriage.

Kyle XY – Mondays @ 8 on ABC Family – The teenage boy with no name, no past and no navel has come a long way since the day he was found wandering alone. Kyle slowly integrated himself amongst the Trager family and discovered his amazing abilities. But the mystery about who he really is has just begun. In the second-season premiere, Kyle spends time in quiet seclusion with Adam Baylin, who tells him more about his past. Can Kyle trust Adam? Does he hold the key to solving the mystery behind Kyle’s identity? It was revealed during last season’s finale that the company was making a superior model labeled XX which is “in excellent condition.” Could this model be the female counterpart to Kyle? Will Kyle find out the Company’s intentions? Back at the Trager home, Kyle has left clues for Declan, but is it too late? Can the Tragers get used to life without Kyle? How will Nicole deal with his absence?

Rescue Me – Wednesdays @ 10 on FX – Back for a fourth season, this gritty drama centers on the inner workings of Ladder 62, a New York City firehouse, and the personal and emotional battles of its members in a post-9/11 world. Recovering alcoholic Tommy Gavin, the senior firefighter, is still haunted by the memories of people he has watched perish on the job. As the fourth season begins, Tommy’s ex-wife Janet has given birth to a baby boy — whom she fears prefers Tommy to her. But Tommy has a bigger problem: he’s suspected of starting the beach-house fire. How will he prove his innocence? Besides trying to clear his name, Tommy struggles to resist the advances of the volunteer firefighter (Jennifer Esposito) who rescued him from the beach house. Elsewhere, Chief Reilly’s son asks him to be his best man at his commitment ceremony. Will Jerry accept? Richie wants Franco to marry Natalie, but can a notorious ladies man settle down? This season, expect guest appearances by Larenz Tate, Jerry Adler, Jennifer Esposito, and Susan Sarandon.

Top Chef – Wednesdays @ 10 on Bravo – The temperature in the kitchen rises as the third season of “Top Chef” heads to sunny Miami. Fifteen budding chefs will descend upon Miami Beach, where they’ll compete for the coveted “Top Chef” title, a state-of-the-art Kenmore PRO kitchen, an editorial feature in “Food & Wine” magazine, the opportunity to showcase his or her skills at the “Food & Wine” Classic in Aspen, Colorado, and $100,000 to “kick start” their culinary career. Tom, Gail and Padma return with new judge Ted Allen from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” Among this season’s guests judges are author-chef Anthony Bourdain, Chef Norman Van Aken, and Chef Alfred Portale. The contestants will compete in various cooking challenges from catering a gourmet barbecue party to working with Miami’s fresh seafood. Who will serve up delicious fares, and who will get sent home for dishing out a dud?

The Simple Life – Sundays @ 10 on E! – Brace yourself, ’cause they’re back! Hollywood’s most infamous celebutante pair Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie return to our TV screens for more mayhem and mischief. This next unknown territory the girls are encountering is summer camp. Ed and Dawn Bellante, the directors of Camp Shawnee in Malibu, California, have hired Paris and Nicole as camp counselors. Have they just made a big mistake? Are they not aware of the hijinks Paris and Nicole are capable of? In the episodes to come, expect to see the duo “exercising” with the campers and giving beauty pageant advice.

The 4400 – Sundays @ 9 on USA – The 4400 are among us and they have the power to save humanity… if the world will let them. The sci-fi saga of “The 4400” returns for a fourth season with dosages of promicin spreading like wildfire. Many people believe that promicin is a gift and that everyone should have the right to take it, even though there’s a chance that it will kill you instead of giving you superhuman abilities. Who will be willing to take the risk? Who will fight for Jordan Collier’s cause, and who will fight against him? In the fourth season opener, NTAC gets a new director as they face off against a high school student with the promicin-induced ability to make people worship him like a god. Meanwhile Tom visits Isabelle in prison and Diana searches for her sister, who also took promicin. With the help of a girl named Cassie, Kyle is able to wake Shawn from his coma. Meanwhile, Collier wrestles with his conscience as the death toll from promicin continues to rise.

Making The Band IV – Mondays @ 10 on MTV – Diddy hopes to add another musical group to his existing empire with the next installment of “Making the Band.” With the success of “Danity Kane,” Diddy checks off all-girl group from his list of things to conquer. So up next on the list is an all-male superstar group. Watch as guys from all over America sing and dance for Diddy’s seal of approval. Diddy seems to have the Midas touch more often than not. Will this ideal group of guys become the next music sensation or will they be like “Da Band” and fall into an abyss of obscurity?

The Closer – Mondays @ 9 on TNT – Television’s top detective is back on the case this summer! Golden Globe winner Kyra Sedgwick returns in TNT’s “The Closer,” cable’s #1 series of all time. Sedgwick plays Brenda Johnson, a cranky yet cunning investigator and interrogator with a remarkable talent for getting criminals to spew the truth. Season 3 will be filled with compelling and complex cases that will continue to test Brenda’s skills as she deals with suspects as well as with her own imperfections and neuroses. The third season will kick off with an uninterrupted and commercial-free episode where Brenda and the team investigate the violent murder of a family with one survivor: their drug-abusing teenaged son. In the office, budget cuts resulting in dramatic changes throughout the LAPD, including the potential retirement of one PHD squad member. On the home front, Fritz thinks it’s time that he and Brenda find a new house.

My Super Sweet 16 – Mondays @ 9 on MTV – They’re back! The not-so-sweet teens return for another season of birthday party mania. Go on a wild ride behind the scenes as these wealthy teens prepare for their most important coming-of-age celebration. They are willing to do whatever it takes to mark this turning point in their lives… as long as their parents agree to submit to their every demanding and over-the-top wish. The season kicks off with Audrey Reyes’ haute couture Quince. 14-year-old Audrey is a self-proclaimed Miami princess, who will throw as many tantrums as it takes to have the most fabulous birthday party. Watch as she stars in a music video, preps her royal court, and shops for a brand new car. Will this princess have the best night of her life, or will the party be called off?

Extreme Makeover – Mondays @ 9 on ABC – “Extreme Makeover” returns with a jaw-dropping episode where a small town girl will have a fairytale makeover of a lifetime. Micha is a legally blind 30-year-old woman with a severe overbite that makes it difficult for her to talk. The “Extreme Team” consisting of the nation’s top plastic surgeons, eye surgeons, cosmetic dentists, hair and makeup artists, stylists, and personal trainers will work their magic to not only transform Micha’s physical appearance, but to change her life and destiny as well. Later in the episode, a 45-year-old below-the-knee amputee will get his dreams to come true with an extreme makeover. Regis Philbin and wakeboarder Tara Hamilton will appear in this new episode to lend their support for Micha and Chris.

Big Brother 8 – Tuesdays @ 9 and Sundays @ 8 on CBS – Most of us agree that “Big Brother: All-Stars” was anything but stellar, so we’re glad to report that this season will feature an entire new crop of houseguests. As usual, the 14 houseguests will a share a house that’s equipped with cameras and microphones to record their every move, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The houseguests will have to use their brain, brawn and charm to outplay one another and walk away with the cash grand prize. It wouldn’t be “Big Brother” without a surprise twist in store for the houseguests. This season, some of the houseguests will find out that they’ll become roomies with someone from their past they’d hoped to never see again, or someone with whom there is an extreme amount of tension. Enemies will come face-to-face and bitter rivalries will turn up the house’s drama quota. If there were fights before in the house, there will be wars now! Another new element to the show is that viewers will be given the interactive opportunity to have the most control they’ve ever had over someone in the house. One of the house’s participants has been chosen to be “America’s Player.” Viewers at home will get to assign a task to “America’s Player” each week. The player must complete the task without revealing that they’re working on behalf of the viewers. If the player accomplishes the mission, he/she will be financially rewarded. “America’s Player” does not have immunity from elimination.

Posted in Big Brother, Big Love, Doctor Who, Extreme Makeover, Hell's Kitchen, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, Kyle XY, Making The Band, My Super Sweet 16, Rescue Me, So You Think You Can Dance, Technology, The 4400, The Closer, The Simple Life, Top Chef, TV, Weeds | Leave a Comment »